Bunny!
by silvablaze
Summary: Fic about the kyuubi trying to influence a cute wide-eyed five year old Naruto... who thinks he's a giant rabbit...
1. I'm bunny, fear me

**Hewo people,**

**This is silva…and as soon as blaze gets here, I'll introduce him.**

**Disclaimer: What the hell do you mean I **_**don't**_** own Naruto…!**

**Bunny**

The kyuubi was having a bad day.

Living inside a five year old was _not_ his idea of fun.

The kid didn't think about girls, or _sex_…

The kyuubi, Jeff, honestly thought the kid might turn out gay.

He could have sworn he'd seen a _pony_ in the kid's dream just the other day.

A pony!

What next? Pink rainbows?

Weren't little boys supposed to dream about giant robots or something?

Jeff sighed. It was time he scared the kid into line.

That night, as Naruto slept, the kyuubi brought him to his sewer-like prison.

Naruto sucked his thumb, big blue eyes looking up at the kyuubi.

"Who are you?" the cute little boy asked.

Jeff bared his teeth, his claws and grinned a grin of pure grin-i-ness.

"I am the one, destroyer of countries, ravager of mountains, the only-"

"Bunny!"

"I am _not_ a bunny! Hey, hey what are you doing? Get away! Get away from m-"

Naruto hugged the kyuubi and snuggled into his fur.

Jeff sighed.

"Okay kid, at least try to borrow my power to defeat someone."

Naruto blinked, "Why?"

"Because they think you're a monster! Because you have no friends!"

Naruto frowned. "Don't care. I have bunny."

"Because they think you're smelly!" Jeff tried desperately. "Because they like that Uchiha boy better!"

Naruto shrugged.

"Because you'll never become Hokage!"

Naruto's jaw dropped and his eyes watered.

The kyuubi felt a slight pang of guilt and groaned.

"That's okay; we'll murder them all and _make _you Hokage."

Naruto started sniffing.

"_Okay_," the kyuubi sighed. "Come to bunny."

Naruto squealed in delight and hugged the kyuubi.

"What's mur-da?"

The kyuubi rolled his eyes, "It's what you do to make friends."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he smiled.

_Now_ they were getting somewhere.

He proceeded to explain what else Naruto needed to do to make friends; which included eliminating several small countries and somehow resulted in total world domination… and when he was done; he looked down at the cute little blonde who'd fallen asleep when he _started_ his speech.

_Damn it._

The kid was dreaming about ponies again.

-

**A/N: in reality, we all know little boys dream about unicorns, rainbows and fairy princesses…it's just that all these are **_**piloting**_** the giant robots.**

**-**

**Blaze! Get your butt in here RIGHT NOW!!!**

**Excuse me a moment.**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva**


	2. i'm cute and cuddly

**Chapter Two**

**-**

**Yo.**

**Still Silva here… I'm beginning to think that maybe getting blaze away from Halo is a task more suited to a Mary Sue…and I'm obviously not **_**that**_** powerful…**

**-**

**Disclaimer: Oh crap, forgot the disclaimer…**

**-**

**I'm cute and cuddly**

-

To the best of his abilities the kyuubi molded part of his chakra to resemble Konoha and marked out an X where the bank was.

He was going to make Naruto rob the bank and thus, make him the proudest sealed demon in all the lnd.

"Are you sure?" Naruto asked, uncertain.

The kyuubi, Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't _good enough_) smirked, "Of course, don't you trust me?"

Naruto bit his lip, wondering.

"Come on kid, Trust me…I mean, I'm cute _and_ cuddly."

Naruto nodded slowly. That _was_ true. Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't good enough) _was_ cute and cuddly.

"Great," the kyuubi said. "Then here's what you do. Jump onto that rooftop over there and then-"

"I cant."

"Why the hell not?" Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't _good enough_) asked impatiently.

"I'm only five. I'm not too good with coordination yet."

Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't _good enough_) stared. How was it that the kid could say and understand 'coordination' but had no idea what 'mur-da' was?

"Well, aren't you a ninja?"

"Not yet."

"You go to academy don't you?"

Naruto nodded, "But I'm not even a Genin yet."

The kyuubi let loose a string of _very_ colourful swear words that had Naruto giggling even though he had no idea what they meant…they just sounded funny.

Jeff decided to start small.

"Okay, how about alcohol?"

When Naruto looked at him blankly, Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't _good enough_) nearly cried.

All that power and it was just wasting away…it was too sad.

The kyuubi sighed, feeling impotent, "This is just like castration," he muttered.

Naruto looked up at him, "What's cat-tration?"

The kyuubi groaned. What was he, an English teacher?

"It's a type of celebration…but for cats," he said dryly.

Naruto chuckled in the cute way only five year olds can, "We should have a cat-tration!"

Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't _good enough_) sighed sadly, "I think I already had one."

Naruto's eyes widened, "Wow! What was it like? Was it fun?"

The kyuubi sniffed, "Not really."

Naruto frowned, "Then why did you have it…? Do cats even _like_ bunnies?"

The kyuubi wondered _why_ he was still talking to the little menace… The kid had taken his vicious powerful killer chakra and pooped on it.

He didn't feel much like a demon anymore.

Maybe he _wasn't_ a demon… Maybe he actually _was_ a bunny, trapped inside a five year old…

"Bunny?"

"Hmm?"

"You look sad," Naruto's eyes were starting to water again. "Why are you sad?"

The kyuubi looked away from the cute five year old, upset, "I had so many plans for my future…such _evil_ plans…start global warming, rape a few woodland creatures, rule the world…nothing big. But _no_, they had to seal me away in a kid! And not even a potentially evil kid like the Uchiha! It had to be the female version of Barbie! What did I do to deserve this!? What?! Don't I have feelings too? Aren't I human too...? Okay, well…no…_but_ that's no reason for such inhuman treatment! Just cause I was killing a _few_ hundred people and destroying the village…I mean, there _are_ greater crimes out there!"

Naruto yawned. He was tired.

Jeff (whose middle name is now Natasha cause _someone_ thinks Jeff isn't _good enough)_ looked down at him and scowled.

"No! _Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_"

Naruto had upgraded from dreaming about ponies…to dreaming about unicorns.

-

**A/N: Every time you review, a chapter breathes a sigh of relief.**

**Help chapters sigh.**

**Review today.**

**-**

**I would like to apologise to whoever cares for Blaze's absence. A most unfortunate event involving a baseball bat **_**slipping**_** from my hand and cracking his skull as he was playing halo occurred. It has been written off as a gaming accident.**

**-**

**Review reply: To all y'all (all FOUR of you, hehe) First, thanks for reviewing :) **

**-Akio Fukurou: First, I present you with a cookie. I think Jeff is okay for the Kyuubi…I think and if I used George, I'd get a few unpleasant glares from someone I'd rather **_**not **_** get glares from, Thankyou very much, LOL. Also, I haven't read any other story about a kyuubi bunny so I apologise if it seems to be similar…I'll try add aliens and barney the dinosaur to this story so it remains unique and **_**doesn't**_** copy anyone else's (even though I haven't even read the other bloody story). Loads o love (the brotherly kind), hehe**

**-HyperTails23: Come on people, 'Jeff' isn't so bad! LOL, thanks for reviewing. Here's half a cookie * guiltily wiping crumbs from mouth * I have **_**no idea**_** where the rest went…**

**-Shadowmaiden3: Er…sorry… all out of cookies…do you take cookie dough? Lets see…was I on SOMETHING when I wrote this, eh? Look, drugs are wrong!!! But they sure came in handy when I was writing this… did I just post that on the internet where cops, my drug lord and * gasp * my **_**parents**_** can read it…? Nah… couldn't have.**

**-Kagegon, you are so right! Hehe!**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva**


	3. prank calls

**Chapter three**

**-**

**Prank calls**

**-**

**Yo.**

**Silva here. Duh.**

**Hope you all good. Back to the books so updates might take awhile…**

**-**

**Disclaimer: Kishimoto, watch your back; I'm coming for you…**

**-**

Kyuubi smirked, "Check _her_ out. The smooth contours of her body, her sleek white skin, the awesome front…"

Naruto nodded, "I want a car like _that_ when I grow up."

"Yeah me too…wait…_Not_ the car you idiot! The _woman_!"

Naruto scowled.

The _gorgeous _woman was standing a short distance from the car…but to him, the car was pretty cool…The woman just couldn't compete.

Jeff (or if you prefer: _Natasha) _sighed. Maybe he was trying to start the kid off with something far above his abilities. Every evil demon worth his undershorts knew that _being_ evil took time and practice. There were no shortcuts.

It said so in 'Evil Demon Weekly'.

The kyuubi, Jeff (Yeah, I am _**never ever**_changing his name…but, maybe, for five bucks…) sighed as Naruto walked home.

Naruto wasn't exactly a lost cause. With any luck the kyuubi could get Naruto to remove the seal when he was older.

He'd tried coaxing Naruto to remove the seal…saying _wonderful_ things would happen if he did…like many, _many_ 'cat-trations'.

Well, in Jeff's defense, it _was_ a good plan…even though it hadn't worked.

Why hadn't it worked?

Because the cute, _little_ five year old Naruto was too _little_ to reach the stupid seal.

So because of his young and 'vertically challenged' vessel, the kyuubi was stuck there…not even bothering to say anything sarcastic when Naruto poked his nose like he was mining for gold…Poor, _poor _Jeff (you gotta feel for the dude).

When Naruto finally got home, Jeff decided to try one _easy_ evil task…it was so easy that brainless teenagers everywhere had done it (unfortunately, I am part of this group…but soon, I'll be a brainless _adult_, so there!)…

Anyway, the kyuubi got the idea as soon as he saw the cordless phone in Naruto's living room that happened to be _for emergencies_ only…

Jeff nodded to himself. It would do perfectly.

"Naruto…we're gonna try prank calling people today."

"Prank calling?" Naruto said slowly.

Jeff grinned. The term apparently wasn't foreign to the kid. What a bright, young child he was sealed in!

"What's that?"

So much for _that_ notion.

"Just pick up the phone, kid."

Naruto did as he was told.

"Okay, now push a few buttons and wait for someone to answer then say exactly what I tell you to."

Naruto nodded and dialed.

"Hello?" they heard the sound of a sweet old lady.

Kyuubi grinned. Prank calling a sweet old lady was _pure evil_.

"Hello," Naruto said, following the kyuubi's instructions. "Is your 'refridineta' running?"

"Do you mean my refrigerator?"

Naruto nodded, "Yeah, that."

The kyuubi smacked his forehead against the wall of his 'cell'.

"Why do you want to know sweetie?"

"Because you should go catch it…if it's running…outside…"

The lady laughed and for all he was worth, the kyuubi knew that, in reality; even if she didn't know it, that sweet old lady was laughing at _him_!

He had never been more humiliated!

"Really sweetie?" the lady chuckled. "Where are your parents? How old are you?"

"I don't know who they are. I live here all by myself because I'm a grown up…I'm five!"

"Oh, you poor dear! Would you like to have milk and cookies at my house?"

Naruto grinned, "And ramen?"

"Of course dear! Whatever you like!"

"But…I don't know where you live…" Naruto sniffed.

"12th street, green house, blue door."

"Thankyou!"

Naruto rushed to the lady's house.

The kyuubi was silent.

Not only was he trapped…he was dying a slow, shameful death.

He could almost see the other beasts laughing at him…even that stupid turtle.

He was the most powerful of the demons but here he was, stuck in a five year old who was having milk, cookies and ramen and being fussed over by a little old lady.

Jeff groaned.

_My life has no meaning_.

Said five year old was now telling the lady about his giant pet bunny…

Jeff sniffed, feeling tears roll down his _evil_ cheeks.

What kind of sick, twisted cruelty was this?! There was no hope of evil for the kid…the kid was only good for torturing him…and making him cry…

_Wait! The kid had just made him, the most bad-ass demon in all the land, _**cry**_! Even if it _was_ unorthodox, the kid definitely had an evil vibe about him…_

Jeff sniffed gleefully.

_The kid made me cry!_

That Naruto had reduced him to tears seemed to bring him up out of his doldrums.

His life was not a _total_ waste…some of the time.

The kid could dream about frilly princess parties for all he cared…he was complete.

-

**A/N: Man I am exhausted…I want my pie!!!**

**Okay, so maybe I don't **_**deserve**_** pie cause it wasn't long…but the other chappies haven't been long either so there!**

**But in apology, I've put up the next chapter as well so…**

**The next chappie is dedicated to the following reviewers: Litewarior4 (thanks for reviewing the other fic as well. Here's a cookie!), flechoshima (my very own nut), UnderWearNinja, BlackPANDA, zephyr hb, kawaiikitsune09, Kagegon, Akio Fukurou, HyperTails23, Shadowmaiden3, StoryTagger**

**-**

**Me: Blaze *gives Blaze death glare* get me my pie. **

**Blaze shakes head, refusing * **

**Me: Blaze…*pulls out giant baseball bat***

***Blaze brings pie***

**Me: Thankyou Blaze…**

**Speaking of super powered mighty ducks, please Review…**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva**


	4. bunnies and ballet

**Bunnies and ballet**

**-**

**Yo.**

**You might be starting to think that Blaze is just my imaginary friend and well…maybe he is…I mean, the purple dinosaur outside (NOT Barney) **_**did**_** say she's never met him before…**

**-**

**Disclaimer: I like pie. How is this a disclaimer…? Exactly.**

**-**

The kyuubi's eye was twitching.

Why was he dressed in a tutu?

Why indeed.

Ah…yes…Naruto had _commanded _(threw a tantrum) him to mould his chakra into a tutu.

So there he was…the mighty, really big, scary looking, orange, cute-woodland-creature-raping demon beast…in a tutu.

A tutu that he was ordered to wear by a five year old…

Before he could think of _why exactly_ he was listening to a five year old, Naruto smiled tolerantly (apparently still not too happy with Jeff's inability to turn his chakra _pink_.

Naruto was sporting an orange tutu as well, courtesy of Jeff (whose last name is now Jenkins so his friends can call him JJ).

To Jeff's credit, he _could _turn his chakra pink but he remembered his dad had smacked him upside his head when he was just young demon, learning the ways of the world.

His dad had taught him that pink was for little girls…and cotton candy.

His father had taught him everything he knew; the right way to burp, the right way to fart, the right way to rape cute woodland creatures…

_That sick bastard…I should really give him a call._

"And a one, two…"

Jeff, already past the valley of no return, was clinging to his shredded dignity; pleading with the universe to just kill him.

He stood still, determined not to join in the girly prancing. He was _not_ that kind of demon.

No siree.

"_Bunny!_"

The kyuubi met the displeased five year old glare and stared back defiantly.

"No."

Naruto pouted, "_Fine_. But you still have to watch."

Jeff groaned. _Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Anything but ballet!_

Naruto kept making mistakes and falling over but everytime, as Jeff thought the kid would give up, Naruto would jump back up and prance about like the little monster he was, crushing the kyuubi's already shattered bits of pride.

When Naruto fell the thirty-second time, Jeff groaned and sighed in defeat.

"Look kid…you're doing it all wrong. You have to swing your hips…like this."

Jeff proceeded to show Naruto the proper stature he needed when landing and how to execute a perfect pirouette.

As he pranced about with Naruto, guiding him through the right steps, he was truly glad to be _inside_ the Jinchuuriki…where he wouldn't be seen…by anyone…especially that blasted turtle (or the author's recently deceased super powered duck and forever best friend, Ducky, who tasted great with a sweet and sour sauce by the way).

Except the kid, who he planned to tease about his bed wetting if he ever told anyone, Jeff was glad no one could see…

No one would ever know his secret shame…

He had been '_The masked ballerina'_ when he was younger and was a national champ 5 years in a row…before quitting to take over the family business…evil and rape.

-

**A/N: This is your long lost imaginary friend, Pete, speaking…review…review…**

**Oh well, my back aches…**

**Working on a sasunaru fic…not too sure about it but…**

**If you like this fic, you might wanna check out the one shots…personally, I think they're pretty funny…but that could just be the genius in me talking…**

**Ja ne,**

**silva**


	5. ranting demons

This is not a collab… but **iTorchic** gave me the idea and it seemed brilliant…so…

This one's for you iTorchic…*laughing madly as I point at my retreating writer's block*

Me: Buhahahahahahaha….hehe…hahahaha…hohoho (hey I'm Santa!)…hoohoo (now I'm an owl…)…hahaha…!

iTorchic *sweatdrop*: Uh…what are you doing?

Me: laughing like a lunatic…join me…

iTorchic: Um…okay.

-

**Ranting at its best…**

**-**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto…but you better watch your back Kishimoto, I'm coming for you!**

**-**

Naruto was skipping down the lane like a good little Jinchuuriki. He'd wandered off into the forest and was nearing the river where he could hear what was obviously a guy peeing really loud…or a waterfall.

He got closer.

It _was_ a waterfall! Hey, how about that huh?

Naruto saw a small huddled creature hunched over and _carefully _went over to inspect.

As he got closer, he realised it was a little five year old boy (how did he know the boy was five? Well, he just did okay!)

Anyway (before I so rudely interrupted myself), Naruto crept up to the little red headed boy and stared.

The boy was crying.

Jeff tensed. He felt really strange…he was beginning to think he was allergic to kids…particularly five year olds…

Naruto decided to be nice to the crying boy.

"Boys shouldn't cry."

Jeff snorted. _So says the tutu-wearing, tree-hugging, unicorn-dreaming little monster._

The other boy looked up.

"I-I wasn't crying!"

This time, both Jeff and Naruto snorted.

**He wasn't crying!**

Jeff froze…That voice had sounded so familiar…

Nah.

"Yes you were. You were sniffing and everything."

The other boy scowled but said, "Who are you?"

"I'm Naruto. What's your name?"

Gaara was slightly wary of the grinning blond and said, "I'm Gaara."

"Let's be friends."

Gaara stared… "Y-you're not afraid I'll kill you and throw your guts to the birds and laugh about it?"

Naruto thought this over… "No, not really."

"Okay."

Gaara smiled shyly as Naruto took his hand and jumped into the water.

**I always knew he was gay.**

Jeff blinked. That voice again…

_Cousin Harvey?_

**Who wants to know?**

_It's me you idiot…Jeff._

**Oh hey Natasha, how's it going?**

_Shut up, it's _Jeff_…so…this is where you went huh? Got yourself stuffed into a little kid. _Jeff laughed.

**Apparently so did you.**

_No matter, _Jeff smirked, trying to get one up on his cousin. _My kid's got potential._

**Yeah, sure he does. **_**My **_**kid scares people!**

_So does mine!_

**Really? How?**

_Well, he uh…_ Jeff sputtered. _What about you?!_

**He…well...he…**

Jeff felt his cousin's silence and knew they were both the last places they'd want to be…

Jeff scowled… _Yeah well, you probably have it easy. Your kid looks dangerous _AND _he has a tattoo already. He's practically hard core! Give him two years and shoplifting will be like breathing to him._

Harvey, the raccoon demon sealed in the five year old Gaara sniffed.

**I wish, cuz, I wish…**

_Come on,_ Jeff sighed, watching painfully as Naruto and Gaara threw off their clothes and swam in their little boxers. _See…my vessel is obviously gay._

**He dreams about ponies?**

_Unicorns._

**Oh…maybe it's a phase.**

_Really? You think? _The kyuubi asked hopefully.

**No, not really. **The Shukaku, Harvey, said. **I'm just hoping…I mean, Gaara's dreaming about rainbows and butterflies…not butt-kicking action… freakin **_**butterflies! Pink ones!...with pretty faces!**_

Jeff understood how he felt. He too had suffered at the cruel, merciless hands of a five year old…

_We have rights don't we?! We have feelings! We deserve to be treated with respect! We deserve to be feared! We deserve-_

**-to rape cute woodland creatures!**

_Yes! We do, don't we?_

They smiled to themselves, feeling pumped up…even as they slowly realised that even though they complained, there wasn't exactly a union for demons anywhere so…

_Darn it, you one-tailed idiot! You got me all riled up for nothing!_

**Me? You're the one who was talking about rights?!**

They sighed, defeated.

The miniature Jinchuuriki were now splashing water at each other.

_What's your kid doing here anyway?_

**He ran away.**

_All this way?_

Harvey sighed. **I had to carry him the rest of the way…that is…from the sand village gates to here… he apparently needed a nap after walking twenty feet.**

_We're doomed aren't we?_

**You might stand a chance…not me.**

_What are you talking about? His evil will give you a reason to live!  
_**Evil? HIM? Please…** Harvey snorted. **The evil-est thing his done was say "Hippomatamus"…**

Evilest wasn't a word but Jeff didn't see the need to correct his cousin. _Isn't it hippopotamus?_

**Last time I checked, yeah…but then he said it out loud in public and had people cooing at him, saying how cute he was…I was so embarrassed.**

_Yeah well, mine messed up on prank calls…! Prank calls!_

Harvey shook his head; **Gaara couldn't even kick the stupid cat.**

Jeff gasped. _Noooo…He couldn't?_

Harvey nodded, close to tears. **No. Not one little nudge.**

Jeff sniffed sadly. Prank calls and catball were the easiest forms of evil there was…and their vessels had failed…

**The other day…he…he…**

_He what…?_

**HE HELPED AN OLD LADY CROSS THE STREET!!!**

Jeff collapsed, _No! Not helping an old lady cross the street! Anything but that!_

**I'm not even sure I'm a demon anymore… you wanna know what he called me when he first saw me? Huh?! He called me a 'widdle wimpy'! What does that even mean?! Was he calling me a wimp?**

Jeff had no idea but thought that wasn't so farfetched. He was starting to appreciate 'bunny'.

They stayed in emo silence, brooding as the kids played in the water.

Jeff was thinking maybe Naruto wasn't so bad after all…

-

**A/N: heck, this is longer than my other chappies.**

**YAY! **

**Thanks reviewers!**

**Oh well, see the mysterious magic button below saying REVIEW…?**

**Click it.**

**Ja ne,**

**silva**


	6. hey she IS a girl!

**This one's dedicated to litewarior4 and iscreamdrizzle… share it well…**

***ten seconds later*******

**Me: What happened here?!**

**litewarior *holding ripped half of story*: Nuthin…**

**iscreamdrizzle *smirking evilly, holding other half*: wasn't me…**

**Me: uh huh…sure…**

**-**

**Hey! She **_**is**_** a girl!**

**-**

**Disclaimer: *holding baseball bat* Kishimoto…where are you…? I've got something for you…**

**-**

It was getting late and Gaara and Naruto were still splashing around.

Honestly, how interesting could _water_ really be?

They'd been in the water for nearly seven hours straight.

Now, Jeff didn't particularly care…he just figured that if he was gonna be sealed in a human, he'd rather they _not_ be prune-like.

He hated prunes.

Harvey Shukaku Princeton didn't care one way or the other. He was just glad the boy wasn't doing something eternally scarring…

…like giving to charity.

Figuring it was about time to stop all the water-fun goodness…there was really no need to let it continue…they decided to stop the boys.

That's enough shame for the day.

Sure, the two demons had taken well-deserved naps, enjoying the peace of not having to speak to their permanently-sugar-high vessels…

For all Harvey's complaints, Gaara wasn't so bad. In fact, just the other day, he'd _glared_ at someone! Yes, _GLARED_! There was hope for him yet.

_Hey kid, not that this isn't utterly thrilling and all…especially after the fifty-ninth time you splashed him and he splashed you back- shocking stuff really- but its getting late…_Jeff was saying.

**Let's go,** Harvey said plainly to Gaara.

"But…I don't want to," Naruto said, pouting.

Gaara stared at him. "Who're you talking to? Can you hear Shukaku too?"

"Who?"

Gaara shook his head, "No one."

_He cant hear you Harvey…interesting…_

**I know what you're thinking Natasha and no, making them look like utter fools by having them talk to us in public when no one else can hear may be fun but they'll just end up looking cute or **_**adorable-**_Harvey shivered-**besides, that'll work best when they're older and want to fit in.**

Jeff sighed. Cousin Harvey _was_ right…so that would mean they'd have to torture the kids in…oh…about seven years.

Seven years…

In Naruto…

Unicorns…

_Nooooooooooooooooo! Please, no!_

Someone up there hated him…a lot.

**So they cant hear us talk to each other and they cant hear any demon that's not sealed in them…huh, who'da thought?**

Gaara and Naruto got out of the water and dried off in what was remaining of the sun before putting their clothes back on.

"What are you kids doing here?"

They looked up, staring.

A teenager with blond hair was looking down at them…looking slightly irritated and mumbling something about how kids never acted like adults.

**No duh.**

_Uh…Harvey…_

**Yeah?**

_I feel something strange._

**Don't tell me… I really don't wanna know… I'm not gay… I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!**

Sweatdrop.

_Dramatic much? Look, I just thought I sensed something…_

**You thought wrong. I don't swing that way.**

_Not with you, you perv! I meant another prescence!_

**You lost me…You're not trying to tell me you love me?**

_No_**.**

**Oh…wait, why not? What's wrong with me?**

_I don't date stupid._

**Hey!**

_Will you just pay attention?! See if you can feel anything._

Harvey did as he was told.

"Who are you?" Gaara asked, taking a defensive stance.

"I'm Nii Yugito. Babysitter Extraordinaire," she winked at them, giving them a thumbs up (similar to the good guy pose but probably uniquely called the 'super awesome pose of pure awesome awesomeness'… or just the_ good girl pose_, whatever).

Naruto and Gaara looked up at her blankly.

She sighed, "Where are your parents?"

Gaara shrugged, "Mum's dead. Dad's hiring an assassin to train me."

Naruto bit his lip, "I dunno bout _my_ parents."

Nii looked down, feeling a tug of pity that she quickly strangled at birth.

"Let's go."

"Where?"

"Do you wanna eat or not?"

They scrambled after her hurriedly.

Kids…

_No…_

**Don't say anything Jeff, just ignore her and she'll go away…or get hit by a bus…or lightning…WE SHOULD DO A RAIN DANCE!**

Oh no, not _you!_

**You're not a prize either honey.**

Oh shut up Harvey.

**Make me.**

Jeff honey, was that you I heard?

Jeff scowled. _Oh hey Sharon. How you holding up?_

Pretty good actually. My vessel's not so bad.

**But…you're in a girl! That must be terrible!**

No stupid, why would it?

**Girls are troublesome.**

Jeff had to agree… but then again, that meant his cousin, the two-tailed monster cat, Sharon, got to see her vessel naked. Not bad…

Incoming nosebleed…

**So…you get to watch her in the shower and stuff huh?...wait, that would only work by a mirror…kinky.**

You idiot! I'm not a lesbian!

**No one said you were…**

You just implied…

**Relax, why would I imply that you're a lesbian? That doesn't even make sense-**

Exactly.

**I mean, that would **_**imply**_** that **_**you're**_** a girl…! Hahahaha! Imagine that! **_**You…**_**a girl! Hahahaha!**

Jeff was laughing with Harvey. It _was_ a funny notion…_Sharon_…_a girl…_

Sharon however, was twitching dangerously.

I _am_ a girl…

They paused…then-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If you don't stop laughing, I'll destroy all future child-producing plans…

They stilled.

No dude would _ever_ joke about something that serious.

It was in the bro code.

Somewhere.

Anyway, they seemed frozen and incapable of speech.

Sharon…was…a _girl_?

Working with slowly processing brain cells strained from a serious lack of use, they blanched for several minutes.

Come to think of it, there was a time they'd been watching demon soccer and Sharon had asked which team the 'guy in black with the whistle' was on.

A faulty light bulb went on.

**Hey, you **_**are**_** a girl!**

Jeff feigned knowledge, _Of course she is._

Sharon doubted Jeff but decided to believe him. She'd had a crush on him for the longest time…

Naruto and Gaara entered the small apartment, following the blond in.

She let them play video games, watch TV and eat icecream…she was like…the perfect mum.

She didn't even ask them any stupid questions, except for their names.

They had mashed potatoes, steak, gravy and an assortment of veggies (which unfairly got ignored by them all).

After finishing all their food (hyper five year old jinchuurikis have to get their energy from _somewhere_) they all settled down in front of the telly watching cartoons.

Gaara and Naruto snuggled up to Nii and fell asleep.

Why did you pick up the little monsters?

Jeff and cousin Harvey perked up.

Nii sighed, "Because…being a jinchuriki is hard enough without drowning and starving…"

You just wanted them out of the water cause you thought they were peeing in it…they _were _in there a long time.

Nii shrugged, "In my defense, I have to take baths in there…I really don't think pee is a very soothing shower gel."

My vessel is pretty smart.

Jeff and Harvey had to agree…pee did _not_ make for a very good shower gel.

**-**

**A /N: Hello.**

**With school on, I'll be taking some time to update…but I've got a four-day holiday on (only in Zed, eat your heart out other countries!)**

**Anyway, thanks so much for reviewing…I usually try to reply to each review but haven't been able to lately…so THE AWARDS GO TO:**

**BlackPANDA xD, Thanos Farek Seid II, MaliBiser, The Elven-Spear, melissaaax3, Dragoncatcher123, Destenys Angel Pyra: Thanks :) and here, you go…if I get AT LEAST ten reviews by Saturday, I'll put up the next chapter. Black mail and bribery work well for me, hehe…**

**darkness7013: the next two chapters are in your honour. Great ideas you gave me**

**litewarior4: you are ideal :) and strange…in a good way**

**iscreamdrizzle: *sobbing uncontrollably* thanks! I'm normal-ish too!**

**iTorchic: salutations to you from the previous chapter XD**

**StoryTagger: your review made me smile for some strange unknown reason…either that or I read it when a comedy show was on…anywho, here's a cookie**

**THANKS FOR REVIEWING…now do it again, hehe.**

**See the shiny button below? Click it.**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva**


	7. Tobi's a good boy

**Darkness 7013 you are a GENIUS!!! Thanks for the ideas for the next two chapters (or is it three?)… You may take a bow…and a cookie…**

**This chappie is for you.**

**-**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLECHOSHIMA!!! I know its a few hours early but work with me here okay…**

**-**

**And the award for the **_**longest**_** (and craziest) review goes to iscreamdrizzle…! Welcome to the super nutty category, currently occupied by; BlackPANDA xD, litewarior4 and darkness 7013**

**-**

_Jeff speaking-9tails-kyuubi_

**Harvey speaking-1 tail-Ichibi**

Sharon speaking.-2 tails-Nibi

_**Ox speaking-8 tails-Hachibi**_

'**Turtle speaking-3tails-Sanbi'**

-

**Disclaimer: Five dollars to whoever gives me Kishimoto's home address…**

-

**Tobi's a good boy**

-

When they woke up, Nii was gone but they found a note.

Gaara looked at it and tossed it in a trashcan.

"What did it say?" Naruto asked.

Gaara shrugged, "I can't read."

Neither could Naruto…and Nii's chicken scratchings couldn't be deciphered by his five year old eyes even if he _could _read.

"It probably said she's gone."

Naruto bit his lip. Gaara was probably right.

"I'm really glad the mean lady's gone," Gaara frowned.

"_Mean_?"

Gaara nodded, pouting cutely.

The 'lady', Nii Yugito, had done the unforgivable.

After dinner at her house…before she'd woken them up to go to bed…she…she…she'd made them…BRUSH THEIR TEETH!!!

Gaara shivered at the memory of the toothbrush imposing on his right to taste his food long after a meal.

It was just too…**horrible** to recall…and he hoped no five year old would ever have to go through what he had.

They left and decided to go back to the waterfall, this time thinking it would be fun to stand _under_ the falling water…

Oh, the many wonders of the five year old brain…

At noon, they decided to get out of the water (their demons having given up on talking them out of their sudden water obsession) and take naps on the grass.

Jeff wondered how Naruto could love being in the water so much when he _hated_ taking baths…

He figured it was the lack of soap and let the matter go, not wanting to delve too deeply into the kids hygiene lest he recalls the lack thereof.

As the boys napped, the demons took it easy as well.

No one noticed the figure sneaking up on them.

Gaara and Naruto were still asleep when Jeff and Harvey woke up.

_Oh no._

Harvey didn't ask this time. He felt it himself.

The ox…and someone else…more…?

**Oh crap.**

No…no…nonononononononononononono…

_This __**cannot**__ be happening!_

**Oh crap.**

Hello again Jeff…

Jeff desperately wished it was _just_ Sharon but…

**Oh crap.**

_**I see your vocabulary's widened greatly Harvey.**_

_No…not him…not the ox! Anyone but the ox! Please universe, have mercy!_

'**Hi Jeff.'**

In that instant, Jeff died prematurely.

It was the turtle.

As Jeff passed out tearfully, he groaned. _Why universe why?! I know I said anyone but the ox but no, how could you do this to me?! Not the turtle, NOT THE BLASTED TURTLE!_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Naruto and Gaara awoke, as if sensing their demons' distress and looked about the dark room. They were other people there…on slanting tables…like they were.

They frowned. Even Nii was there.

The other people were all asleep…or dead.

"They're probably dead…But there's no blood." Gaara said with distaste at the killer's lack of finesse in the killing art.

Harvey smiled despite himself.

Naruto sniffed and giggled when one of the 'dead' people shifted, grunted and snored.

"I guess they aren't dead," Gaara sighed.

Harvey now had a wide grin on his face.

"Hi."

Naruto and Gaara turned their heads to find themselves facing a swirling orange mask.

"Who're you?" Gaara asked.

"I'm Tobi…Tobi's a good boy. Tobi caught the nine demons."

"I'm not a demon. I'm a little boy," Naruto tuck his tongue out at Tobi.

Jeff woke up and grinned. _Yes! That's it kid! Be rude!_

Tobi seemed to be thinking something over then said, "You're right…the demon's _inside_ you…a demon fox."

"A fox? What are you, stupid? I only have a bunny."

Jeff lowered his head in shame. Well…Naruto _was_ being rude.

Tobi sniffed and turned to Gaara, "And _you_ have a raccoon."

Gaara snorted, "No I don't, idiot. I have widdle wimpy."

"What the heck is a widdle wimpy?"

**That's what I'd like to know. **Harvey huffed.

"Widdle wimpy is…my big potato!" Gaara shouted cutely.

**...**

**What the…his… big…POTATO…! THE KID THINKS I LOOK LIKE A POTATO! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'M KILLING THE LITTLE MONSTER! I DO NOT EVEN REMOTELY-**

_Hey…you do kinda look like a potato…_

He does have a point…in fact, now that I think about it, you _are_ brown and kinda round and-

**Oh shut up Sharon.**

Tobi skipped away from the only two awake Jinchuuriki and walked out the large dark room humming to himself.

"Tobi's a good boy."

'**So…it's been awhile since we had a family reunion.' The turtle started smugly. 'How've you been Natasha?'**

Jeff pleaded with the universe and all the powers that be.

_Kill me now, _just_ kill me now._

-

**A/N: Hey people…ten reviews…**

**Congratulate yourselves.**

**(1) Darkness 7013: thanks again so much for the ideas…and reviews (for this **_**and**_** 'Attack of the little people' **_**and**_** 'one fine day in Konoha')…**

**(2) Litewarior4: LOL…hey, that could work…and yes, you **_**are**_** strange, hehe…**

**(3) Melissax3: thanks…let's see…a pairing? Um…I'm not too sure how I'd manage that…wait, I've got it! *evil laugh* buhahaha mwahahaha!**

**(4) The Elven-Spear: you snorted in amusement…is that a good thing?**

**(5) SaphireWhiteWolf: thanks, Jeff **_**is**_** a poor tortured soul…demon…thing…**

**(6) & (7) BlackPANDA xD: two reviews! Wait…this is a **_**crack fic**_**? Really?! Is that what you think? Random? Me? I mean, just because chocolate is an excellent stress reliever and pie tastes good does **_**not**_** mean I'm random!**

**Er…yeah…**

**(8) & (9) iscreamdrizzle: two reviews! **_**And**_** acting as my very own fanfic agent, hehe…thanks mate**

**(10) and the final reviewer…the reason this chapter was unlocked and uploaded…is…WHAT??? NO ONE?! YOU ONLY MADE IT TO NINE! Can't you people count? Sheesh…fine, I put it up anyway…seeing as you all **_**did**_** deserve this chapter…kinda…I think…maybe…**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva**


	8. Meet the Demons

**Darkness 7013…still thanking you…and crying…and having supper…and thinking bout a milkshake…and cheese…and the Doppler Effect…**

-

**Darn it, this fic is getting tiresome…and technical…oh well, here's some info you might want (or need, whatever)…**

**1tail- Ichibi- Harvey- raccoon**

**2tails- Nibi- Sharon- monster cat**

**3tails- Sanbi- Irv- turtle**

**4tails- Yonbi- Kong-gorilla**

**5tails- Gobi- Dorsey- dolphin/horse**

**6tails- Rokubi- Salted-slug**

**7tails- Nanabi- Ladybug- horned beetle**

**8tails- Hachibi- Oxford- ox/octopus**

**9tails- Kyuubi- Jeff Natasha Jenkins- fox**

**0 tail (no-tail) - rabbit- Rabbit**

-

_Jeff speaking._

**Harvey speaking.**

_Sharon speaking._

RABBIT SHOUTING.

-

**Chapter eight: Meet the (****Spartans****) Demons**

**-**

**Family reunion**

**-**

**Disclaimer: *holding frying pan* Kishimoto…oh Kishimoto where are you…?**

**-**

Naruto and Gaara were bored. They were still strapped to the slanting tables and weren't hungry…yet…just bored.

That big idiot, Tobi, had left them there _by themselves…!_ With no one to play with!

Gaara's sand made short work of the cords tying them to the tables and they walked to the other Jinchuuriki…

Why they hadn't thought of that earlier was a mystery.

Naruto picked up a _large_ hypodermic needle and a saw (yes, a saw) and walked toward Nii.

Jeff stared.

Gaara stared.

All the demons stared.

Jeff held his breath…_Yes, that's it, Naruto…feel the evil…want the evil…be the evil…_

"What are you doing?" Gaara asked curiously.

"Playing nurse."

Jeff twitched. Couldn't Naruto have said playing _doctor_?

_Do you think being Jinchuurikis affects there sexual preferences? _

Oxford smirked, "No, you're just gay."

Jeff recalled how he'd always liked the taste of roasted beef…

Just as Naruto was about to cut Nii in half, Gaara said, "I wanna play outside."

Naruto decided to put away the sharp objects and follow Gaara to the door.

_Oh __**man**__…he was so close! _Jeff groaned, displeased.

_Thanks alot Jeff…_

_Sorry Sharon…I'm evil._

**Later losers! **Harvey shouted as the two five year olds reached the door-

-which they couldn't open cause they were little.

"So…" Oxford said cheekily. "You were saying…to us _losers…_?"

**Oh shut up you ox, octopus thing…**

Oxford grinned, "And who's going to shut me up?"

**I am, you freak.**

"And is Natasha going to help you?" Irv teased.

_Don't _make_ me come out there!_

Dorsey * snorting *: Like you could.

Jeff scowled. _Oh just be quiet you dolphin horse thing!_

"Iwagakure rules!"

Jeff, Harvey, Oxford and Sharon groaned.

Oxford: Oh no, not him too!

Kong, the four tailed Gorilla smiled. "Yes, me."

Dorsey and Kong were both from Iwagakure.

"Iwagakure rules!" they shouted together.

Sharon: Seriously, you two need to shut up.

Harvey smiled. **Ah, family…good times, good times…**

Sharon: This is madness.

Dorsey: Madness? THIS IS (Sparta!) FAMILYYYYYYYYYY!

Sharon: Oh shut up Dorsey.

And then-

"Iwagakure rules!"

"Hey, is Lady here?" that _blasted_ turtle, Irv, asked about the seven tailed horned beetle.

"Hard to tell, he's always sleeping."

"Iwagakure rules!"

Ladybug (yes, the seven tails) groaned: Oh no, not them…I should have stayed asleep.

Irv: It seems some _enjoyed _being sealed.

The two Iwagakure demons cheered their village on.

Oxford sighed, "Well, this is fun. So…how do we know who's here and who isn't?"

"Name check," Sharon answered.

Irv: Well, in that case…I am the one, the only, three tailed _Giant_ turtle…!-

Oxford: Oh shut up Irv she said 'name check' _not_ introductions. We've known each other for years.

Jeff: And we're _all_ really big.

Oxford: Yes, well…I'm bigger.

_Please_, Jeff snorted, _spare_ _me._

Oxford: Shut up fox-

Jeff: No, _you_ shut up.

Oxford: No _you_ shut up.

Jeff: No, _you _shut up.

Oxford: No _you_ shut up.

Jeff: No, _you _shut up.

Oxford: No _you_ shut up.

Jeff: No, _you _shut up.

Sharon: Are we all _sure_ they're the oldest?

Jeff huffed, wondering _why_ he had hated the turtle so much when it was the ox-octopus-beast-demon-thing that was a certified prick.

Jeff made a mental note to kill himself if he was ever freed from Naruto. Living in the child had _showed_ him how horrible life really was…and being around his family just confirmed it all…

So it was either mass murder or suicide…

_What the hell am I thinking? Suicide? That's so stupid…of course it's mass murder!_

"Hey," Irv started. "Where's Salted?"

Salted was the six-tailed slug.

"He's probably still being _captured_ seeing as he's so slow at everything."

"NO WORRIES! HE'S HERE!"

All demons sweatdropped and shook in fear.

"No…no, it can't be!"

"OH BUT IT IS!"

Sharon: do you have to shout all the time rabbit?

Rabbit: DON'T JUST CALL MY NAME OUT LIKE THAT! I WANNA INTRODUCE MYSELF!

"He was asleep wasn't he?" Irv asked.

"It would explain the lack of headaches before he showed up." Oxford said.

Rabbit: I AM THE GREATEST-

**Yeah right.**

-THE HANDSOMEST-

_Please._

-THE MOST POWERFUL-

Someone kill him.

-NO-TAILED RABBIT!

"Look," Oxford said slowly. "For the last time, you are _not _one of us. You do not have _any_ tails and are not even a demon. So please-"

"BUT I AM! I'M SEALED INSIDE A KID AND EVERYTHING!"

**You sure the kid didn't just **_**eat**_** you?**

SHUT UP HARVEY!

**No, **_**you**_** shut up buttless!**

I DO HAVE A BUTT!

**No, you don't.**

YES I DO.

**No, you don't.**

YES I DO.

**No you…why am I even arguing with you? Go away.**

COME ON HARVEY!

"Who was in charge of getting rid of the buttless wonder?" Oxford asked.

WILL YOU GUYS QUIT CALLING ME THAT?

"Will you stop being so loud?"

YES, I PROMISE!

"You're still shouting idiot."

Jeff sighed, then sensed the missing demon.

_Salted?_

"Oh………………………….hi…………………………….Jeff…………………."

Jeff sweatdropped. The slug took three whole minutes to say that.

_Don't stress yourself Salted. You don't have to speak._

"…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….why?"

Jeff shook his head, ignoring the slug.

He wished he were back in Konoha with Naruto.

He'd do so many things differently.

He'd have taught the kid how to tee-pee the Hokage's tower, or how to or what to do with the dynamite in his hands…

_Wait…what?_

Naruto and Gaara were holding dynamite in their hands and hitting it on the ground.

"Brilliant children you have there," Oxford snorted.

Harvey and Jeff scowled.

_They could help us all escape. Unlike your Jinchuuriki, ours are free. Idiot._

The others laughed at Oxford, and Jeff heard shouts of "Burn!", "In your face Oxopus!" and "Iwagakure rule!"

Jeff sighed, smiling lightly at his bright little Jinchuuriki who _wasn't_ strapped to a table.

-

**A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!**

**I'm scared! Second year!**

**Can someone tell me exactly what high paying job I can land by studying food science and technology? Many thanks.**

**-**

**Review Reply (for chapter 7, duh): **

**IDEA AWARDS: Cookie dough (er, sorry, I'm all out of cookies) to darkness 7013, litewarior4, The Elven-Spear, iscreamdrizzle…**

**-**

**AWARDS FOR READING MY OTHER CRACKFICS TOO: love you guys *sniff* you make writing worth while… litewarior4, Siren of the Sand (you related to Gaara?), darkness 7013, Siren of the Sand…**

**-**

**BlackPANDA xD: **There's a pairing! Where? Where? OTL (yes! I see it! A bowing dude!)

**Litewarior4: **Yes, you are super nutty, congratulations! Thanks for the rabbit ^_^ idea. Here's a cookie (snuck you one, you seem to love em).

**SaphireWhiteWolf: **Partially insane? You…? _Partially_? Whatever helps you sleep at night. LOL

**Fallen Yaoi Angel13: **Yay! A yaoi fan! Glad I made you fall, it was my pleasure. And…er…no, I don't think hell rocks, hehe

**The Elven-Spear: **Er…yeah…I knew that. I was just checking to see if _you_ knew that…hehe. High explosives _do_ solve everything! Snort away XD

**Dragoncatcher123; **Sorry for that. I'll try make them longer but then they tend to get technical…like this last chapter!

**Siren of the Sand: **I had to stop for a minute too, hehe. Thanks…

**iscreamdrizzle (that was one long ass review! AWESOME!): **Exactly! It is _so_ **obvious** that widdle wimpy= potato…somehow. LOL, you sure do take being nutty VERY seriously, huh? Being bipolar gives you someone to talk to… You're disappointed??? Why??? In what??? What I do??? Its not MY fault a tenth review didn't come…or is it…dum dum duummmm… Blaze is…uh…away?

**Darkness7013: **Yes, Tobi did what 8 S-class ninja couldn't. he just waited for each Jinchuuriki to fall asleep before kidnapping them… hey, I **love** that idea! I'll put it up in the next chapters…somewhere…WHY AREN'T **YOU** WRITING THIS STORY?!

**Funky Bracelet Chick: **Hey! I want a funky bracelet! Yay! I got a cookie! *munch munch munch* STAY BACK! ITS MINE! BUHAHAHA! MINE I TELL YA! MINE!

-

**SO THIS IS WHEN YOU TEN REVIEWERS ACTUALLY SHOW UP! WHERE WERE YOU LAST WEEK! HUH? HUH?**

**-**

**P.S: Blaze was celebrating his birthday on the 11****th**** July which would be yesterday if I update this on time…which probably isn't the case, hehe.**

**Blaze is uh… ok, can't lie for you anymore**

**He's writing some king of fighters fic…which he's too shy to update or something ^_^**

**Feel free to kill him.**

**-**

**I'm not sure if anyone will have liked this chapter at all *crying in corner* I know it was frustrating. FORGIVE ME!!! *rocks back and forth mumbling something about Mexican beans attacking the planet of cheese***

**Ja ne,**

**Silva.**


	9. Dysfunction is a state of mind

**Dysfunction is a state of mind**

**-**

**Disclaimer: I once owned a rabbit with an escape-complex…he always tried to escape from my complex…**

-

Naruto and Gaara were still banging the dynamite on the floor and even though they'd been doing that for the past three hours, with ever increasing amusement, Harvey and Natasha were sure they'd be free soon-

-until Gaara put one stick in his mouth and started chewing on it while Naruto asked if it tasted like candy…

Gaara and Naruto then somewhat lost interest in the fake candy and stared into a bucket of water, wondering if there were fish there…in the crystal clear water.

Oxford smirked, "They aren't the brightest Brady's in the bunch are they?"

Jeff: _Shut it, beef._

Oxford: Are you calling me a hunk of meat?

Jeff: _No, that would be insulting to hunks of meat everywhere._

Oxford huffed and puffed and blew the house-

Er, sorry, wrong story.

_Anyway_, Oxford huffed and was silent.

Ladybug yawned: Are we still trapped? Guess I'll go back to sleep.

Irv: Don't you dare, Lady! Wake up!

Lady: I _am_ awake stupid…and stop calling me Lady.

Harvey: **It's a nickname.**

Lady: I figured as much, potato boy. Now, don't bug me, I'm going back to sleep.

Irv: But-

Lady: I. Said. I. Am. Going. Back. To. Sleep.

The demons all remained silent. Getting Lady mad was hazardous to their health (particularly the 'being alive' bit).

One time, at a family picnic, someone had woken Lady up and…well…things happened…terrible things that cant be explained in a fic.

The demons waited for Lady to fall asleep agai-

DID I HEAR LADY? IS HE AWAKE?

They groaned. Stupid rabbit.

Jeff: _Shut it rabbit, or I'll kill you._

Oxford: and when he fails, _I'll _kill you.

Rabbit: CAN I DIE TWICE?

Jeff: _trust me, I could make it happen._

Rabbit: WHAT? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU! DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

Sharon sighed: Kill me.

Harvey: Kill _him_.

"Iwagakure rules!"

Harvey: Kill them too.

Dorsey: hey Kong!

Kong: Yeah?

Dorsey: Banana!

Cue screeching monkey sounds.

Dorsey: Told you.

Salted:……………………………………….yes……………………………..i…………………….suppose………………………………..you…………………………………..did…………….

Dorsey sighed. Having Salted around was like inviting your parents to a party you're supposed to be throwing when they aren't home.

Jeff was saying, "_And that's why Dorsey and Oxford look like that-_

Oxford: What are you telling Rabbit Natasha?

Jeff grinned an evil grin and said, "How your parents mated outside their species."

"THEY DID NOT!" Dorsey shouted angrily.

Jeff smiled to himself. Payback _was_ sweet.

Suddenly, Harvey had an idea.

Harvey: **I just had an epiphany!**

Rabbit: EVERYBODY BACK AWAY! IT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS!

Oxford and Jeff: Idiot.

Kong and Dorsey: Iwagakure rules!

Sharon *twitching*: Must not murder family. Must not murder family. Must not murder family…

Harvey sweatdropped.

Obviously, his family was _alittle_ stressed with their reunion.

Salted: …………………………what…………………. is………………. going………………………..on…………………..?

Jeff: _Even his question mark took ages to show up._

**Everyone relax, I can talk to Gaara and get him to light up-**

Gaara threw all the dynamite in the large bucket of water and giggled.

Naruto pouted. He'd wanted to do that himself.

Harvey hadn't realised what had happened yet so...

**What happened?**

Irv: Your sadistic vessel just crushed all our hopes and dreams.

**Aw…you're just saying that…**

Oxford sighed.

Naruto and Gaara were now playing by a cat flap that was big enough for them to pass through.

Oxford smiled (yes, sealed demons can bear their teeth and call tit smiling too).

Maybe…

"A cat flap," Oxford announced.

Sharon scowled: That's really degrading.

Oxford: There _are_ doggy doors too.

Sharon: So why aren't you calling that one a doggy door, huh?

Oxford: It's labeled 'cat flap' right above it.

Sharon: …

Oxford: Sharon? Are you alright?

Sharon was trying desperately to find her happy place and not go all _butcher_ on Oxford's ass.

Naruto and Gaara were just small enough to fit…

…which they did…without any prodding from their demons…

They crawled out and found themselves in a narrow tunnel that looked like a cave.

They continued to crawl, not caring that they _could_ stand.

Naruto and Gaara heard voices and hid themselves in the middle of the tunnel (yes, the middle).

The footsteps got closer and pretty soon; they found themselves staring at two young adults, a man and a woman.

Konan frowned, "Pein…there are kids on the ground."

"Yes, I can see that Konan."

"What should we do?"

"Don't make any sudden moves…I'll call the exterminator."

Konan and the two five year olds stared at him.

"What?" he asked, defensively. "We don't know where they've been."

Konan frowned at him and looked down at Naruto and Gaara and said softly, with a hint of irritation (a strong hint), "Where are your parents?"

"Dead."

"Dead and trying to kill me."

Pein scowled, "They aren't _just_ children! They're _crazy_!"

Naruto looked up at an irate Konan, "Mummy?"

"Er…_no_?"

"You're pretty."

"Oh what a sweet child! Come to mummy!"

Pein frowned, "Konan!"

"What? He's adorable!" Konan protested, carrying Naruto.

Pein looked down at Gaara who just looked up at him blankly.

"I know he's a sissy. He was like that when I met him," Gaara said dryly.

"And you like sports?" Pein asked doubtfully.

Gaara nodded, "And hurting people."

Pein practically melted, "Come to daddy!"

As the two Jinchuuriki were being hugged by their new parents, Tobi came in.

"Hey!"

They all stared at him.  
Naruto started crying.

"What's wrong sweetie?"

"That man wants to hurt me!"

"Is that true?" Pein asked Gaara.

Gaara shrugged, "He just tied us to tables and there was a saw and a giant needle nearby...so… I don't think so."

Pein smiled at how emotionless Gaara seemed. He was _so_ proud of his new 'son'.

Tobi looked at Pein through his mask.

Tobi put his hands up.

"Wait, you can kill Tobi but don't kill me!"

"Aren't _you_ Tobi?" Konan asked dryly.

"Er…no. I'm Madara."

Konan snorted, "You expect us to believe that?"

"Uh…yeah. My voice is much deeper than Tobi's."

They had to admit, that _was_ true.

"So where's Tobi then?"

"I'm here." Tobi put up his left hand.

"Oh great. He's gone bipolar again," Pein frowned.

"You'll just have to kill Tobi when I'm not around."

Pein shrugged as he and Konan walked away with their new kids.

Tobi frowned.

He'd wanted to meet all the Jinchuuriki and had captured them so they could all have a tea party with him…and then go home.

He sighed.

Now he'd have to send them home early.

Sigh.

-

**A/N: litewarior4, iscreamdrizzle…ssshhhh…my secret identity is to remain secret…but I WILL KILL THESE BLASTED GADGETS FOR NOT LETTING ME HAVE TWO ACCOUNTS OPEN AT ONCE! DARN IT, IT'S NOT FAIR!**

**Oh well, back to bidness…**

**Litewarior4, love the bio, it's hilarious…and I'm a tomboy and people **_**do**_** assume I'm a lesbian…hmmm…**

**Anyway;**

**Reviews: **

**1) Darkness7013: Blaze is…well…he's a clueless uke. That should tell you a lot. Thanks tons mate, great ideas. Seriously, why **_**aren't**_** you writing this fic?**

**2) BlackPANDA xD: yes, cheese IS quite offending…He's Salted cause he's awesomed (new word)…yes, past tense, hehe…Yes, the Jinchuuriki are all 'asleep' (knocked out would be a better term). Yup, they'll be other Akatsuki members…I hate seeing em die too but I hate em killing Konoha guys so…well…I think Hidan is pretty cool…for a weird undead guy… (wait, is he dead yet? I'm so behind)**

**3) The Elven-Spear: LOL, blowing Akatsuki to a million bits wouldn't work out too well for the Jinchuuriki, who are still all there, hehe…**

**SaphireWhiteWolf: Yes, he is kinda ok for a demon wannabe…yeah, you being insane doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a WEIRD one…snickerdoodle? Yay! Nah, I've never had cheesecake before…sounds nasty…**

**4) Iscreamdrizzle: don't huff at me! Yes, your maturity is truly inspiring…now will you give that kid his lollypop back?! Bipolar? I think lots of the Akatsuki guys are gonna be bipolar… I'm more of a three doors down, Nickelback type of person myself…you adopted a thinking pose?! Do you even know who its parents were?! Santa…hmmm...you were teaching kids and got out alive?! Whoa, you must be some kind of superhero!...hehe… PS: * in tears * I waited up but you didn't PM me back! How could you! Riz.**

**6) Melissaaax3: random pairing…I have no idea who…hehe…trust me, it'll be shocking…or at least mildly surprising…**

**7) 9foxgrl: yay! Pink cars! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Anything but that!**

**8) Funky Bracelet Chick: Where the heck is my funky bracelet?! Yay waffles! Thanks.**

**9) Litewarior4: Hope you're not mad at me for the PM… kage cookie no Jutsu??? WHO TAUGHT YOU MY SECRET COOKIE WAYS?! **

**10) Raela1396: Yep, potatoes rule!**

**11) Soike: I would NEVER bash Jinchuuriki…just little kids ^_^ Noh mask? Can I google that? Hehe, thanks loads!**

**-**

**YAY! ELEVEN REVIEWS…hmmm…should I dare stop this fic **_**now**_**…?**

**-**

**Boo for short chappies! Sorry guys, school's up and my only free time is late at night and Sunday evening…**

**Noooooo!**

**-**

**Preview for To Gai or not to Gai**

He sighed. Did Sakura know he was alive? If she did, did it matter? Was he just the fly in the Irishman's beer that got its little ass kicked and was forced to spit the beer back out? What did that metaphor have to do with anything?

Sakura was across the street. All he had to do was go over there and talk to her about the springtime of youth or something…

He decided to walk over to the woman he loved………….and got run over by a speeding car.

Sakura stared.

"What the-"

When did they get a road?

The stream of dust left by the car reformed and spelled out, **'Sorry, in a hurry. You'll be fine, shake it off.'**

Yes, all that.

Sakura swore, shaking her fist at the car that was now leaving its trail of dust on the third mountain to the right. A little more…too far, now just turn your head alittle… Good. Right there.

"There are no cars in this world stupid!" She shouted.

"How'd you know what that thing was called?" a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' asked.

"Well, it's pretty obvious. I mean, it just _looks_ like a 'car'. Particularly, a Subaru Imprezza XLR… I think. Just drawing at straws here…"

"Are you sure it wasn't more of a Cadillac?" A bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Ann' asked.

Sakura looked stricken, "WHAT?! They don't even look _remotely_ alike!"

"How would you know?" a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Ann' retorted.

"I feel it in my bones," Sakura said dryly. "Now if you'll shut up and keep your ignorance to yourselves-" She walked toward Lee. "-I'm off to meet Sasuke and Naruto."

She walked over Lee and-

"Hey!"

She turned, "Yeah?"

They pointed at Lee.

She nodded, "You're right…someone should really get him off the road."

"Shouldn't you like…heal him or something?" a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Ann' asked.

Sakura looked at Rock Lee.

"Why? He doesn't look that bad."

Rock Lee's leg was somehow, er, no one knows how, now protruding from his stomach and he seemed to be doing a previously unknown form of yoga.

"Looks like he's achieving inner peace," Sakura said, poking him with a stick that a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' handed her.


	10. akatsuki and babysitting

**Babysitting**

**-**

**Disclaimer: bunnies are soft and fluffy…**

**-**

Akatsuki was a growing band of rogue teenage ninjas trying to take over the world with pure awesomeness…and, if that failed, their ninja skills.

They were paired off by Pein, their leader…

The pairing off bugged them a lot cause, being teenagers with raging hormones…well, lets just say rooming with a guy is weird when he always seems to be checking you out…

Itachi and Kisame were teammates…and roommates.

Kisame thought Itachi was an arrogant, know-it-all, prettyboy while Itachi thought Kisame was an arrogant, know-it-all…er…boy.

They went down the large underground mansion with its turns, twists and poorly lit hallways and got to the kitchen in just under an hour- a new record.

They looked around at the quiet kitchen…something was definitely wrong here.

Where was Hidan; passing the butter knife to whoever asked by poking it through his body first…?

Where was Kakuzu; talking about the global economic crunch and how he needed more money to get information on money…?

Where was Deidara; blowing up everyone's cereal?

Where was _everyone_?

"Something smells fishy," Itachi whispered, staring at Kisame.

"Haha Itachi…that _never_ gets old," Kisame scowled.

Itachi chuckled, "Yeah, I know."

They were both in their mid-teens and Kisame was struggling with skin-care products that may have been able to help his shark-face…but at least he didn't have zits.

"Okay, something's not right here. Where is everyone?" Itachi asked.

"Are you suggesting we go look for them?"

"Nah, we've got bigger fish to fry."

Kisame glared at his teammate who was rolling on the floor laughing.

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

They found out at lunch as they were all seated and their lackey, Orochimaru-chan, was serving them.

"You missed a spot," Kakuzu growled.

"Then lick it."

"You're not getting paid to shirk your duties."

"I'm not _getting_ paid."

"With that kind of work, I'm not surprised."

Orochimaru-chan glared but tightened his apron and stalked away.

Orochimaru-chan… snake-like, angry at the world, misunderstood…he was, basically, your average teenager. He was in Akatsuki too…but was being punished by Konan for trying out 'Pervert no Jutsu' on her.

"Look!" Hidan shouted.

They all groaned as Hidan stabbed himself and grinned. He did that at every meal…and sometimes, if he pissed someone off enough, they did it _for _him…

Pein walked in after Zetsu, who was talking to himself.

"Okay everyone, listen up. We'll be having new members join our little family."

They stared at him.

"Family? We all kinda hate each other," Itachi said dryly.

"Yeah, well…that's exactly what a real family does so I think we're good," Pein said.

They all nodded. That _was_ true.

"Now, before we introduce them-"

"We?" Deidara asked, glancing at him pointedly meaning he was standing there giving the speech alone.

"Me and Konan, now shut it."

Deidara huffed.

"Before _we_ introduce them, a few rules are being set. Deidara, no bombs."

"Wha-!"

The others sighed in relief.

"Sasori, no killing them and making them your puppets."

Grumble grumble glare.

Deidara smirked at Sasori. Whenever he thought of Sasori, he thought 'I'm late; I'm late, for a very important date (1).'

"Hidan, do _not_ injure yourself, or them, in any way, shape or form…or you'll have no weapons…_ever_."

Hidan stared at Pein with shock and outrage.

"Kakuzu- no economics talk or talk to do wit money…"

"Why the hell not?"

"So as not to pollute their minds with money-crazed ramblings."

Kakuzu glared (well, he can't really frown…can they see his mouth…? Oh well, whatever).

"Tobi, keep your other personalities and alter egos in check...that means no Madara and no Obito!"

"But what about Zetsu!"

"At least we can _see_ his alter ego."

Tobi scowled (um…well…okay, his _eye_ looked really pissed).

"Zetsu…no cannibalism, please. And could you _please_ dispose of your corpses. The basement's beginning to smell."

Zetsu's (white side) smiled warmly, "Sure thing."

Zetsu's dark side's smile was upside down (overall a strange picture-he looked seriously constipated).

"Konan…you can bring them in."

Konan came in holding the hands of Naruto and Gaara.

The others stared.

Zetsu was struggling in his chair, trying to hold himself back from jumping onto the kids and screaming out, "The leg is MINE!"

Hidan was just _itching_ to show them a 'cool trick'.

Kakuzu yearned for their young minds…and wallets.

Orochimaru was holding his head up to keep down his nosebleed. (2)

Itachi had fallen asleep.

"This is a bad joke and I'll wake up in a few seconds," Kisame whispered to himself. "I didn't even know Konan was pregnant…wait…she _has_ been looking kinda plump lately…"

Konan glared and said coldly, "Let's all thank Kisame for volunteering his babysitting services."

The others chuckled.

"Kids, meet Kisame."

Naruto squealed in delight.

"Mummy got us a fishy Gaara!"

Gaara looked equally pleased with their new pet…the rest of Akatsuki did too.

Lacking the self-control they'd need to follow Konan's instructions, the others all left the kitchen, all except for Itachi, who was still asleep.

"Kiss-me?"

Kisame held up his hands, "What the hell! That's Orochimaru's department."

"He was saying your name…idiot," Gaara sighed.

Kisame glared at the red head and groaned.

"Don't call him idiot!" Naruto reprimanded.

Kisame smiled slightly. At least _one_ of them had-

"He's name's Fishy!"

"It's Kisame, actually."

Naruto nodded, "See Gaara? He's Fishame."

"Kisame."

"Kiss Ame."

"Kisame dammit!"

"Dammit! Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit"

Kisame's eyes widened. If Konan heard her little angels swearing, she'd cut off all possibilities of future heirs.

"Shhhhhhh!"

"Dammit! Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit"

"Hey," Itachi yawned, then stared at the two screaming five year olds.

"Um…where did those things come from? I thought we told Orochimaru never to pull this bull again."

"Their Konan's," Kisame sighed.

Itachi's eyes widened, "How long have I been asleep?!"

Kisame snorted, "They were adopted idiot."

Itachi grinned, "Hey kids. Wanna see me put my hand into the peanut butter jar?"

Naruto and Gaara were immediately silent, waiting to see the amazing feat.

"You just wanna lick it again," Kisame grumbled.

Itachi chuckled, "_Someone_ has to."

Itachi then began trying to squeeze his hand into the peanut butter jar.

Suddenly, the door creaked open and an ancient relic made its presence known.

"Nagato," Kisame nodded respectfully.

"Ooh…look Gaara! It's so stretchy!"

Kisame stared at Naruto and Gaara who were pulling the skin on Nagato's arms and stretching it.

"Kisame…" Nagato growled.

Kisame grabbed the kids and backed away with them kicking and screaming in his arms.

"Where'd you get it?" Naruto asked, pointing a chubby finger at Nagato. "Can I get one too? Huh huh? I've always wanted one of those!"

Kisame saw his short life flash before his eyes as Nagato continued to glare coldly at him- like they were _his_ kids.

"It's so _old_," Gaara said dryly.

Kisame gulped.

"I am only 23 thank you very much," Nagato hissed as he walked back out, his bones creaking like an old…uh…creaky thing.

Kisame let out what he had thought was his last breath and glared at the two kids in his arms.

"They're quite a handful aren't they?"

Kisame turned, shocked.

Itachi grinned, still trying to stick his hand into the peanut butter jar.

"You were here the whole time?"

Itachi nodded.

"And Nagato saw you?"

Itachi shrugged, "I guess."

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!"

Itachi smiled triumphantly as his hand finally slid in, "Yes…! I did it! Sorry Kisame, did you say something?"

Kisame grumbled and mumbled a whole set of very colourful swear words and stared down at the two kids who were crawling all over the floor.

Wait…when did they get free?

He stared at his hands and found bite marks.

"You little-"

"Mummy said you shouldn't scream at us," Naruto said.

"These kids are evil."

Jeff and Harvey sighed contentedly as they sat back and were, for the first time in their sealed lives, witnessing true pure evil…

Jeff * sipping a beer (my story, shut up)*: _Hey Harvey. This is the life isn't it?_

Harvey * staring at himself in the mirror in his sewer*: **…do I **_**really**_** look like a potato? Be honest.**

Jeff: _Nope-_

Harvey: **good**.

Jeff: -_potatoes are pretty good looking._

Harvey: **Yes they are. Especially when you wash them right after harvesting. In fact…HEY!**

Jeff: _Wow…and I thought Salted was slow._

Harvey: **oh shut up.**

"Hey Fishame!"

"It's Kisame!"

"I'm hungry."

Kisame twitched. Did he look like a fast food restaurant with bad service and cold fries? Huh? _Did he_?

"Me too," Gaara said quietly sitting by Naruto.

Naruto made a face at Kisame.

Naruto definitely knew how to push his buttons.

"Was your mummy a fish?"

Oh no…Naruto wasn't _just_ pushing his buttons, he was break-dancing over the control panel...he was _vandalizing_ the buttons…the buttons didn't stand a chance…the poor, _poor,_ buttons…this metaphor is quickly losing its point…buttons…so…

Other metaphors as to how evil Naruto is (all in Kisame's head):

-he was Voldemort in the magic world of Kisame's life…

-if he had driven Miss Daisy, he'd have done it over a cliff…

-he was Simon in the 'Idols competition' that was his control panel…

-he was the 'terminator' in the movie 'Terminator'…and 'he'll be back'…

Itachi was licking the peanut butter off his fingers and the kids were gazing up at his sophisticated ways in wonder.

"Hey, aren't you two hungry?" Itachi asked.

Kisame made a mental note to kill Itachi later.

"What do you wanna eat?" Kisame sighed resignedly.

"I want fish and chips," Gaara said stubbornly.

Kisame frowned as Itachi collapsed on the floor laughing.

Naruto took up a knife, "Fish fingers!"

"Whoa slow down kid!" Kisame said, backing away.

Naruto and Gaara pouted, "Daddy said you have to take care of us!"

"Yeah? How can I do that if I'm _dead_?"

"I'm telling mum," Naruto sniffed.

Kisame stilled. Konan wasn't known for her sweet temperament when it came to him. He figured she was _fishophobic_ or something…

Why the hell did he have to comment on her weight!?

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

The demons sat quietly.

Kong: I miss Jeff.

Oxford snorted but didn't disagree.

Irv: Someone say something.

Rabbit: OOOH OOOH OOOH OOOH MEMEMEMEMEME!

Salted: I…………………………………..will…………………………..

Irv: Anyone…

Rabbit: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

Salted: I…………………………….said………………………………..I….

Irv: Anyone _else_?

Rabbit: COME O N! I HAVE A GREAT ONE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

Salted: but………………………………………I ………………………………want………………

Irv: Anyone at all…?

Salted: …………………………………………hmph……………….

Rabbit: OKAY, ONCE…WHEN I WAS BORN…

Rabbit then proceed to tell them his _whole_ life story…and just when he was getting to where he'd just turned three (days old)-

"I WAS SWIMMING AND I TRIPPED."

Oxford: You… tripped?

Rabbit: YES.

Irv: Under water?

Rabbit: YES.

Sharon * now with a seemingly persistent twitch*: Over what?!

Rabbit: HMM…? SORRY WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? GUESS I'LL HAVE TO START THE STORY ALL OVER AGAI-

Demons: Noooo!

Irv: For Pete's sake, stop!

Sharon: I think you mean '_pity's_ sake'.

Rabbit: YEAH, WHO THE HECK IS PETE ANYWAY!?

Sweatdrops all around.

Silence for a couple of minutes.

Kong: So….who wants to reminisce on the good old days?

Dorsey: Memememememememememe!

Oxford smirked, "I think Dorsey might want to.

Kong chuckled and-

"Iwagakure rules!"

Lady: I think I will.

Dorsey groaned but knew better than to argue with Lady.

And…cue the flashback…

Hmmm…

Next chapter?

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

-

**A/N: Yo.**

**I am SO sorry for taking so long...school's hectic, we're on a short holiday(three days) and I have four assignments and a lab to write by Monday( tomorrow)…I swear these people are trying to KILL me…**

**If you have a story you want me to read, just say 'hey, read this' and unless the internet suddenly blows up, I will definitely read and review. Surprisingly, I kinda like angst…don't let all the crack fool you, I'm a tortured soul…LOL**

**Sigh…**

**If you get this, free cookie! "I'm late; I'm late, for a very important date!"**

**Yeah, we ALL know Orochimaru likes little boys.**

**-**

**If you like crack fics, like this one (kinda), check them out on my profile…its all I write here ^_^ **

**-**

**Reviews: um…when I say TEN REVIEWS, I don't mean you have to be EXACT…**

**-**

**(1) NinjaVampirate: Thanks, me too! I mean, the world would be a better place if we ALL had giant bunnies sealed inside us…(or potatoes). Gaara's not decided…I think Harvey's messed with the wiring in his head- but he still dreams about ponies.**

**(2) geetac: glad you like it…**

**(3) litewarior4: I haven't stopped! Breathe breathe… your bio (profile page)…you can't melt into the shadows, I have…dum dum duuummmm…a candle!**

**(4) Darkness7013: I wanna put the containers in the next few chapters…after the demons reminisce of course…I saw the containers online…I think…and there was a super CUTE guy there ( at least I hope it was a guy…). Thanks for the ideas…with school and a pounding brain, I could really use em…really? Hidan's in permanent coma? Who did it? Why must Akatsuki suffer so??? Why I ask you, Why…?!**

**(5) narutolover94: thanks…I try keep it real with the evil…* gives evil good guy pose* LOL, yep, there **_**can**_** be an 'evil good guy pose' (talk about an oxymoron)**

**(6) iscreamdrizzle: hello my official number one reviewer (LOL, we had a vote and yeah, you topped it) thanks for the reviews to all those fics * hiding face. My eyes are leaking* I will never forgive you! That puppy eye no Jutsu doesn't work on me!(who do you think taught it to the puppies?) yup, different e-mail a/cs for each…**

**Truth or dare for the demons! Maybe… should I get them drunk first? LOL, yeah…review…its not like you have something better to do…don't look at me like that just cause its true. I read yours. Duh. Love the dog by the way. Who DOESN'T want a crazy mutt only they can see?**

**(7) BlackPANDA xD: keep breaking em reviews! I feel bad FOR you, hehe. Yes…'crack fics without humour coughdisneyshowscough' LOL…I love Phineas and Ferb though XD. Hmmm….a chibi Hitler…I could so work with that…LOL. Thanks!**

**(8) SapphireWhiteWolf: yeah…the update thing. I have a few fics on my other page that people wanna kill me for…* gulps* mmm…snickerdoodles…wait…FRUIT TOPPING?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH HEALTH! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! WHERE'S THE GOOD DEADLY CANDY!?**

**(9) & **

**(10) gaaraswolfgirl: LOL, its always important to spit out your food if you can't chew…no that wasn't the last chapter. I don't even know how I'm supposed to end this, hehe. It was supposed to be a oneshot XD**

**-**

**Back to my assignment. Blaze was laughing at me so I just had to update this…after ten reviews, hehe. JK….its all school's fault. Bomb my school and I'll gladly update DAILY!**

**( but I didn't say that…)**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva.**


	11. barney and friends

**Hmm…a chapter title…hmmm…**

**Wait, I got one!**

**Barney and Kisame's friends**

**-**

**Demons not present in this one…sorry…**

**-**

**Disclaimer: As I've been told time and time again by well-wishing folks, I own nothing…*sigh***

-

Oh the many ways he'd kill Itachi…

Kisame was almost in tears.

There he was, watching the sleeping angels (he'd drugged them) and being at peace when Itachi had come in _singing_…

Now, Itachi is _not_ famous for his vocal capabilities and Kisame could already hear the dogs howling and hissing to make the torture stop.

Needless to say, the super powerful drugs lost effect and Naruto and Gaara sat up in all their evil kiddie glory.

"I think I peed on the bed."

Evil, _evil_ kiddie glory.

Kisame picked Naruto up and scowled at Itachi and being partners, he sent him a telepathic message _with_ the scowl. The scowl and message said 'When I'm done here, you're _eating_ this kid's undies…'

Itachi nodded, understanding Kisame completely, "Yes, the state of our country's economy _is_ quite worrying."

Kisame growled and went to give Naruto a bath.

Gaara stared at Itachi.

Itachi smiled warmly at him.

"So…what do you think of Kisame?"

Kisame was at the door and stilled, waiting o hear what the little brat had to say.

Gaara shrugged, "I look up to him."

Kisame sniffed. Gaara wasn't so bad…

"Oh…?" Itachi stared.

Gaara nodded, "Yeah, he's really tall."

Kisame swore and left hurriedly with the nine tails Jinchuuriki swinging on his arm.

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

Konan passed the bathroom and heard Kisame muttering angrily.

"Damn brats…damn Konan…it's not _my_ fault she gained a few extra pounds…"

"Ooh…Kisame…?"

Kisame froze at the sweet voice and turned slowly.

"Konan?"

Konan smiled warmly.

"Hi mom!"

"Hello sweetie," Konan said to Naruto who was splashing in the tub with a rubber ducky.

Jeff groaned. _Come on kit! You were doing so well. Let the ducky go!_

Kisame was whimpering before the woman in front of him.

"I have alittle task for you…"

Kisame fell to his knees and pulled off a movie-style, "Noooooooooooooooo!"

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

The giant purple dinosaur waddled into the room.

Konan smiled, "Kids, say hello to Barney the dinosaur."

Naruto squealed. Gaara was poking 'it' with a really sharp stick.

Pein sniffed. He had never been so proud.

Pein, Konan, Itachi and Zetsu were watching what they'd dubbed, the 'killing of Kisame'.

Kisame was in a Barney the dinosaur suit, suffering fully for ever daring to mention weight Konan was sure she hadn't obtained.

Kisame was miserable and Itachi was in seventh heaven.

Zetsu was there cause…well…he liked to see people suffer.

Oh…but the 'suffering' had just begun…

Kakuzu, Sasori and Deidara came in and stared…_hard_…before bursting out into Kisame-related laughter.

Just then, a door opened.

Orochimaru came out of his room in tight shorts and a tight vest saying "Little boys, wanna play?"

They all gave him a disgusted look as he grabbed his tutu and made his way to ballet class…whistling a Celine Dion song and mixing it up with alittle Elton John…

Nothing to worry about.

Konan looked pointedly at the Akatsuki teens before her.

"If you _ever_ leave my kids with him, I'll make you all female- by default."

They gulped.

Soon though, they got tired of watching Naruto bouncing up and down on Kisame's stomach and Gaara poking him with a knife- which Zetsu had provided- and decided to put a video camera there- so they could watch it all later.

As they were leaving, all except the purple dinosaur, the two little fallen angels and Itachi, the doorbell rang.

Kisame sprung up, "I'LL GET IT!"

They stared at him.

"Don't worry about it, partner," Itachi said with a smile. "_I'll_ get it."

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

Itachi opened the door.

There was some friendly looking guy at the door.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"I'm Yashamaru."

"Who cares?"

Itachi left the door and went back to watching Kisame suffer.

Yashamaru soon found his way into the room where, for some reason, the others were all still standing, waiting at the door.

They turned their gazes to him.

"I'm Yashamaru…Orochimaru's cousin."

They all stared.

"_Ooooh_."

It was _so_ obvious…what with the 'maru' part of their names…

Pein nodded and said, "I'm glad you're here…and I'm not particularly concerned with how you got here, why you're here, or even how you managed to find this place…I'm worried about your cousin's sexuality…"

With a hand on Yashamaru's shoulder, Pein lead him and the others out of the room, all trying to figure out what traumatizing event had occurred to make Orochimaru the perv he is today.

Itachi chuckled when he felt the presence of an old presence.

Kisame was too busy screaming at Gaara, "OF COURSE I HAVE BALLS!" to notice.

Kisame failed to see Nagato entering the room in that slow manner old people use to enter rooms…to remind you that they've had _years_ of practice in opening doors and can now do it with a certain elegance…well, _that_ or they just can't really get through doorways fast enough.

Nagato was glaring across the room at the dinosaur.

-"YES I NEED MY BALLS!"-

Itachi nodded at Nagato, who acknowledge him with a creaky nod back.

- "NO YOU CANT HAVE ONE! PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN!"-

"Ahem."

Kisame stilled and watched Nagato…as the kids dashed toward the prune.

Oh crap.

Nagato glared mightily at the kids but the rugrats were relentless.

They stared up at him with wide eyes and asked questions that Kisame knew would get him killed.

"How big, really, were the dinosaurs?" Gaara asked calmly.

"What was the ice age like?" Naruto put in.

"Did you _really_ invent fire?"

And-

"What was it like sitting behind Moses in the third grade?"

That. Was. It.

Kisame let out a frightened cry when Nagato let his killer intent be thrown at him.

Nagato, in all his ancient glory, tried to shoo the kids away but they stayed by his wrinkly side and continued to ask age-old questions, like how long he'd known Hugh Hefner (1).

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

Kisame was scowling…which was becoming quite frequent.

"Can't believe you talked me into this…"

Itachi grinned and entered the underground green house, which was actually not doing too bad.

"Hey Zetsu!"

Zetsu turned and glared at Itachi.

"What?"

Itachi smiled and swirled his Sharingan.

While Zetsu was momentarily stunned, having some fantasy about a rose giving him its phone number and saying "Call me", Kisame used his giant sword and knocked Zetsu out.

"There you go kids."

Gaara was already wrapping Zetsu up in sand and Naruto was 'helping'…wrapping him up with ribbon very messily.

Naruto then ran up and into the corridor screaming, "Daddy come see!"

Seconds later, Pein was being dragged in by an excited Naruto.

"It's for mommy."

Pein felt the tears running down his face and turned away, pulling both boys into a tight embrace.

"I'm the proudest evil father alive…! Let's go show your mother."

Minutes later, Konan was crying openly.

"We got you a flower mommy!"

Konan was hugging them and crying, mumbling something about no one ever bringing her a Zetsu before…

The two parents looked down at their kids and were filled with warmth.

It was like they were sent straight from the 'evil child' catalogue…they were perfect.

The unconscious and over wrapped Zetsu was placed in a giant vase by Kisame who, while enjoying the moment, knew that Zetsu would have his vengeance when he woke up.

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

The day was finally over.

Naruto and Gaara were given Kisame's bed cause…well…a woman can never _really_ forgive you for any weight-related wise cracks.

Naruto yawned.

"G'night fishy."

Kisame sighed.

At least Itachi was already asleep-

"…hehe…_fishy_…"

He glared at Itachi's form.

The bastard was laughing at him…_in his sleep_.

**(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)**

Tobi walked back into his office, which was next to the room with the captured Jinchuuriki and spotted a large box on his table.

There was a card on.

'To Tobi (you pansy), from Madara. With love'

A present? For him?

Aww…Madara could be so thoughtful sometimes…

Tobi scowled.

The vessels would be waking up soon and he hadn't finished setting up the table for tea.

He heard groans and-

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Tobi ignored them and opened the wrapped gift and pulled out-

A chibi Mini-me?

"I've a good mind to kick your ass."

Tobi stared. "Mini-me?"

The little man, just beneath Tobi's knee, glared an evil glare.

"Don't make me hurt you."

Tobi was still in shock.

"How did you go bald? What are you? Three?"

Chibi Mini-me jumped up and gave the 'super-secret-ultimate-attack-of-doom'…

…which is basically punching someone in the nuts.

Tobi bowed in respect…

…well, actually, he just keeled over because apparently getting punched in your tenders hurts…

-

**A/N: Yo.**

**Short ass chapter. Sorry.**

**-**

*** Looks around corner * Been quite a while huh? Hehe…**

**Well, you see…what happened was…there were these puppies…and… some ninja monkeys…and a lawn mower...**

**Long story short…it was really lucky that I was there to save the day.**

**Anywho…onward…**

**-**

**Yes, yes…I know a chibi Mini-me seems redundant but there you go…**

**-**

**(1)- Hugh Hefner: Owner of Playboy…and Playboy ****bunnies****. I **_**knew**_** there was a connection somewhere!**

**-**

**This chapter's Number One Reviewer is….SANDYDRAGON!**

**-**

**For good (and angsty) angsty-ness…read 'Hatred Knows No Bounds' by iscreamdrizzle. See? I told you guys I'd read your fics (and review…! Cause its kind depressing to see you have tons of hits and very few bothered to review…OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!)**

**-**

**I really appreciate alerts and favourites (I guess…but not really) but if you have the time to do that, the least you good do is take a couple of seconds to type "Hiilikedyourstory"…See? I'm not even asking for trivial things like **_**punctuation **_**and**_** spaces**_**…**

**Review Reply: **

**SaphireWhiteWolf: yes…what…no good ideas to throw at me? Not even some to toss lightly in my direction? Sniff sniff…okay. Wait, what do you mean you weren't trying to kill me? YOU OFFERED HEALTHY FOOD! YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T SUE! Mmmm…candy….**

**Kudomeya: ^_^ strange…I don't even **_**like**_** fish fingers…**

**Danger13: YES! YOU GOT IT! Here's a cookie! Wait…did the Alice in Wonderland rabbit have a name? * strokes long beard that wasn't present a few seconds ago * yes, Orochimaru **_**does**_** like little boys…might as well have a t-shirt saying he's a paedophile…oh, wait…he does.**

**Darkness7013: Poor, poor Hidan…Hmm…that could work…glad you thought it was...I'm seriously running out of funny and the store's all out…**

**Litewarior4: Okay, okay…we'll have CHAPTERLY votes…you were number one reviewer at chapter 6 (if I recall correctly, LOL…you were sharing with iscreamdrizzle) Umm…when you tried to jump into my candle flame…it was daytime…so it wasn't lit up…just thought you should know…**

**Iscreamdrizzle: Ah, your lack of sense is a fresh reminder of how I really need to make some normal friends…yes, isd, giving them alcohol is the ****only**** way to get them ****drunk****…you ARE a genius! & talking to yourself and your imaginary dog of many colours tells me that well…it tells me a lot. Gay…? Gay! No…they're just…in touch with their feminine side… Oreo! WHERE? Ah, the magic of peanut butter…**

**99 Kisses Till Death: hey, your nick would make an awesome story title…LOL, thanks so much ^_^ **

**Darkness' Forbidden Scribe: Darkness has a scribe now? BUT I APPLIED FOR THAT POSITION FIRST!!! LOL, glad you liked it…**

**Sandydragon: Yashamaru...Yashamaru…hmmm…Oh yeah! Thanks for the ideas (though I figure you didn't mean using Yashamaru like this, lol) Manda? Yes! Next chappie…I hope (with a wandering brain, you can't really know for sure) I'll totally check out your fics, thanks for the review ^_^ Well, the only reason Jeff has a middle name is because as I pointed out '****someone**** didn't think Jeff was good enough…' And Jeff Natasha Jenkins just seemed right…lol**

**Julianne Wiccnand: Thankyou very, very much…**

**Gaaraswolfgirl: a talking rabbit like this one…Nah…you'd probably kill it in a few minutes…glad you like it, enjoy…**

**Yarra: LOL, if only Jeff had known this earlier…**

**Orochimaru-and-Tobis-Lover: Hmmm…did not see that nick coming…awesome! Thankyou, Thankyou… * bows deeply, falls over ***

**Emodragon: yay for pure awesomeness! Thanks!**

**Puffdadder: thanks XD**

**- **

**Not that I want you people to bomb my school (which can be found in Lusaka along Great East Road just near a large yellow billboard)…but…well…I…um…but I don't.**

**-**

**Ja ne**

**Silva**


	12. spying for idiots part 1

**To Konoha…and beyond!**

-

**Silva: Hey guys, really sorry it took so long…I've been preoccupied with school and my other fics on my own A/C…**

**I've been trying to get Blaze to take this up but the bum had to go and bust his laptop ***** sigh * so gonna kill him…**

**Thank iscreamdrizzle for making me feel guilty by updating her fic before mine…and forcing my brain to go into crack-mode and sadly, sputtering from disuse and neglect…so this might not be so funny…**

To isd: HA! IN YOUR FACE! Behold…an update…

-

**Disclaimer: insert witty disclaimer here.**

-

While Kisame slept, Pein had a very important conversation with Itachi about the boys.

"Can they read?"

Itachi looked thoughtful for a moment, a memory of the boys staring at Zetsu's sign that clearly said in big red letters, **'Zetsu's room. Enter on penalty of death.'**

_Naruto had frowned, "I think it says 'pie inside'."_

_Gaara had nodded, looking away from the sign. _

Itachi smiled, "Yes. They can read."

Pein grinned and handed him a giant pamphlet.

"Have Kisame teach them the rules in that and to make sure they know them all by tonight. We're going out."

"Out?"

"Konoha."

Itachi smiled, "Will do."

He looked down at the pamphlet.

**Evil 101- a beginner's handbook.**

Ah…the boys were to follow in their parents' evil footsteps.

Itachi chuckled and woke up the two boys.

"Morning 'Tachi."

Itachi's heart was warmed at the thought of aiding the two little monsters become menaces to the world at large.

He wiped away the tears that had been about to fall and smiled at the boys.

"Morning. I have a few things to teach you…"

"From Daddy?" Gaara asked quietly.

Naruto was bouncing on the bed.

"Yes Gaara. From daddy."

Itachi loved his job.

"Let's start with the dictionary so you can learn a few _new_ words…"

**(I am a lazy page break, pass me the remote)**

Kisame groaned.

There was something on his legs…something wet…

He poked it.

It giggled.

He opened one eye and found himself staring at Naruto and Gaara, who were each on a leg of his…

He sighed.

"Morning fishy-chan…"

Oh, would the twitching ever end…

Kisame wondered if he should go see a doctor to find out if the twitching had become permanent.

Why was his leg soggy…?

"We wet the bed!" Naruto squealed gleefully.

Kisame almost cried.

Laundry duty.

**(I am a page break, fear me)**

Itachi watched gleefully as Kisame washed the clothes, sheets and his fishy slippers (like bunny slippers…but with fish. Itachi gave them to him on his birthday).

Kisame was in an apron and a head scarf.

He looked quiet fetching. Like an old world maid. Now if he'd just wear the matching wonderbra Itachi had bought him…

Kisame sighed.

Itachi had given him the **huge** pamphlet that he was supposed to have Naruto and Gaara learn by that evening.

He stared at them.

Naruto was eating bubbles and Gaara's gourd was leaking sand into the rinsed white sheets…

He fell to his knees.

"NOT THE SILK SHEETS!"

Gaara stared, shrugged, and started to eat bubbles with Naruto.

Itachi put a comforting hand on Kisame.

"Let it out…strong men cry too…"

Kisame sniffed gratefully.

"…pansies cry more though...You've been crying quite a lot lately, huh?"

Kisame glared.

Itachi yawned, saying he was exhausted and was going to take a nap. Apparently doing nothing is quite taxing on one's body.

Kisame stared at the kids again.

Naruto hiccoughed and a bubble floated into the air.

He was doomed.

Maybe they could learn them by _doing_ them and maybe he could keep his anatomy as it was…

Kisame sighed.

That might work…

The trip to Konoha was fairly uneventful. They left the Akatsuki lair and all got on a carriage. Pein, Konan, Itachi, Kisame and the two chibi Jinchuurikis all loaded themselves onto the frightened man's carriage.

He gulped.

Itachi had managed to pull him over and have him in Mangekyou Sharingan where for what felt like three _whole_ days, he was strapped to a chair while he listened to his wife and sister discuss how to spend his wages…

That hadn't fazed him though…

He was a **rock**…

Then suddenly, some skinny guy with snake eyes, dressed in tights and with a purple butt bow appeared and started to dance.

Ballet.

It took him three seconds to succumb to the fear.

The first two seconds were well spent with wondering _what the hell_-

The five hour drive to Konoha was filled with the cooing of Konan to her two boys and Naruto asking, "Are we there yet fishy?" every five minutes.

When Kisame was too irritated to answer, Konan glared at him and he quickly answered the _lovely_ child through gritted teeth.

"No. Naruto. Not. Yet."

Naruto would nod…look out the window…see that every tree looked the same as the last…and ask again.

"How about now fishy? Are we there now?"

And so it went for the full five hours…Kisame answering each of the 60 times Naruto asked that age old question of youthful wit and wisdom.

"Are we there yet?"

At last, he got to scramble out.

While Itachi talked to the guards at the gate, the five of them donned the latest in spy and camouflage gear- bushes.

The five bushes snuck into Konoha without being noticed…not even by the ANBU assembly that was standing right there, at the entrance, watching for suspicious activity.

One ANBU noticed though.

"HEY! STOP!"

The Pein bush froze as the others continued by.

"Where do you think you're going, bush? Do you have a 'flora and fauna' permit."

The Pein bush sighed, "Um…yes…?"

The ANBU stared for a second then nodded, "Alright then. Go catch up with your family."

The Pein bush nodded and hopped after the others.

When they got to alley, they ditched the bushes and stared at themselves.

They were too conspicuous in their red and black robes.

They each put on a fake mustache and grinned.

Yup, no one would recognise them _now_…

They walked through Konoha.

The boys were running back and forth everywhere…

Kisame groaned.

It was like watching excited chipmunks…or chattering monkeys.

"Okay boys…"

They turned to him, giving the cat they were assaulting…er…_petting_…time to escape…uh…_leave_…their clutches and run away, never to return to Konoha again.

Kisame wrote that down on the list given to him.

_First evil deed… scaring a cat._

They walked up to him and waited.

A tall, gangly man was walking across the street and Kisame pulled out his chakra strings.

"Watch that man."

They did.

The man tripped.

"Rule number one. There is always time to point and laugh. Always."

The kids nodded and proceeded to run to where the fallen man lay and started to laugh.

"Don't forget to _point_ as well!"

They nodded seriously and stuck out their chubby little digits, laughing gaily at the fallen man.

Kisame nodded to himself, waiting for the sharp reprimands that would come from the adults of Konoha, telling the bad-mannered kids they were out of line and needed some discipline and-

YES!

A crowd had gathered around the two kids and the man and they…they were…

_Laughing_?

Kisame blanked.

What the hell.

He walked over and asked a random man, "Why are you laughing? Shouldn't those kids be given a well-placed beating for laughing at that poor man?"

The random man chuckled.

"Are you kidding?! NO! It was bloody funny and we could really use the laugh. Life here's gotten so serious lately…"

Kisame stared, mouth hanging open.

"You might wanna close that," the random man said before walking away. "Flies like fish."

Kisame looked at the man on the ground who was-

WHAT THE HELL?! _SERIOUSLY_?!

-the idiot was laughing along with them!

Kisame stalked away grumbling.

"Hey you!"

He turned.

"You dropped your mustache."

The man handed him his mustache and he thanked him before walking away.

He must find a way to teach the little monsters the ways of Akatsuki…

Maybe he could cheat somehow…

"Fishy-chan?"

He looked down at Naruto.

"What?"

"Are you thinking about cheating?"

He stared.

THE BOY WAS PSYCHIC!

"How did you know that?" he asked urgently.

"You were talking out loud," Gaara said softly as he walked past.

_Damn_.

"Bad word."

Kisame pursed his lips. He should really stop thinking out loud.

"What do _you_ know about cheating?"

Naruto smiled cutely, putting one finger in his mouth and sucking on it before answering, "Cheating isn't everything-"

Kisame fell to the ground in shame. There was no hope for the little buggers if they thought _that._

"Fishy-sama?" Gaara was poking him with a stick again…

_How does he always find a stick?!_

"Naruto! You killed fishy-sama and you didn't even finish!"

"Finish?" Naruto looked thoughtful. "_Oh!_ Sorry fish-chan!"

Kisame grumbled into the dirt.

"Cheating isn't everything, it is the _only_ thing," Naruto recited.

Kisame looked up, not wanting to believe his ears.

Had the two boys just recited the solid foundation that life, power and _exams_ were based on?

_The Cheat Law?_

_They knew it?_

Maybe someone upstairs liked him…

**(I am a superstar page break, I drink decaf)**

Konan was shopping, blazing a trail through the Konoha stores.

Pein and Itachi were doing more manly things.

Grunt. Burp. Fart.

Ah…this was obviously _the_ dream.

Pein glanced at Itachi.

"You going home?"

Itachi shook his head, "Nah. They're having broccoli tonight…"

Pein nodded, understanding.

Vegetables were for bunnies and little girls.

In the distance, the direction of what Itachi knew to be the bathhouse, they heard screaming and breaking glass.

"Jiraiya must be in," Pein yawned.

Itachi nodded.

The legendary pervert was…well…legendary… (1)

A poor bitter soul stalked through the fish market in Konoha.

He wore all black and had **thick**__eyebrows and an uneven grim expression on his face.

He was an angry, unhappy man.

His wife had just left him, his mother-in-law beat the crap out of him at the family reunion and his cat peed on his Italian shoes…all in one morning.

Also, the neighbour's dog killed Fluffy, his pet gerbil.

He was still an awesome ninja though.

He was fierce and determined…handsome and ragged…

He was a man who needed no introduction. He was-

"Goodbye Gai-sensei!" the fish market lady shouted.

Darn.

Naruto and Gaara were staring.

They stared at the man with the heavy eyebrows and all-black clothing…

…and had a five-year old epiphany…

He was the Grinch.

He looked like his heart was five sizes too small…

They walked up to him.

He looked down at them grimly.

Naruto grinned up at him cutely.

"Hi. Fishy-chan left us here…we're gonna destroy Konoha one day."

Gai stared at them…and in that instant of their youthfulness, his eyes were opened…

…and his heart grew five times larger!

His face creaked and groaned painfully like an old steam engine, finally settling into what they supposed was a wide grin…

A geeky aura surrounded him, cloaking him like…a cloak… and as he gave them a thumbs up, his clothes **exploded** and in their place, as the smoke cleared and the heroic music started to play in the background(_I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…_)…was the most _amazing_ thing Naruto had ever seen…

…a green leotard.

Kisame was walking past the fish market, feeling moody when he came to a quick halt.

There was a man in a green leotard smiling at him, before winking and giving him a thumbs up.

Kisame screamed.

Like a girl.

**(I am a 006 page break…one short of the big-time)**

When Kisame came to, Itachi was looking down at him.

They were back at the Akatsuki lair.

"What happened?"

"Scary dude in a leotard," Itachi explained briefly.

Kisame shivered, remembering.

"Am I in trouble?"

"Nah," Naruto told Konan you were exhausted from all the evil you three had done and she believed him."

Kisame smiled, his eyes watering.

"But, she said you're on toilet duty and have to clean Orochimaru's room for the next month cause you fell asleep when you were supposed to be watching them."

Kisame groaned and looked across the room at the kids jumping on his bed.

That was when he noticed Itachi had just dumped him on the floor...and not even on the carpet...he was on the only patch of concrete in the whole room.

The Uchiha was a bastard.

"They haven't learnt it all?" Itachi asked sympathetically, nodding at the pamphlet on the table.

Kisame shook his head, deciding to kill Itachi later. He glanced at the clock

Itachi sighed, "I didn't think it would get to this but...I might have a way to help you…"

Kisame looked up suspicious. "Help me how?"

"It would get them to remember all the rules."

Kisame's eyes widened, "How…?"

Itachi grinned, "Old clan secret."

"If you say they should use their Sharingan, I'll have you butt raped."

"Aw! You remembered my birthday!"

"You're disgusting."

Itachi stood, "Guess I'll go call Pein now…"

"Fine! Just tell me what it is!"

Itachi nodded as the two boys continued to jump on the bed.

Kisame could hear footsteps walking lightly along the corridor.

Pein was coming.

"TELL ME!"

"Okay…you just point at their heads and shout, 'KNOWLEDGE! BRAIN POWER JUTSU! SUPER DUPER THINK TANK I-WANNA-REMEMBER-STUFF-ATTACK-OF-JUSTICE ACTIVATE'!"

Kisame stared.

"…"

Itachi raised an eyebrow at him.

"Like hell I'm saying _that_."

The footsteps were getting closer.

"Fine," Itachi yawned. "It's _your_ funeral…"

Kisame bit his lip.

The handle turned.

"Fine, I'll do it!" He stretched his arms out to the two boys' heads and shouted, "KNOWLEDGE! BRAIN POWER JUTSU! SUPER DUPER THINK TANK I-WANNA-REMEMBER-STUFF-ATTACK-OF-JUSTICE ACTIVATE'!"

Itachi chuckled, "Wow, can't believe you actually did it…"

Kisame gaped. "You jackass…"

Pein entered the room.

"What the hell was that?" he asked.

Kisame paled.  
"We're gonna have a 'cat-tration'!" Naruto shouted, still jumping on the bed,

Pein nodded happily. That sounded like good, clean fun…and evil too.

"Who's castration?"

Itachi pointed at Kisame.

Pein smiled, "I'm glad you're taking their education seriously. I'll check on their progress later."

Kisame nodded and fell to his knees when Pein had left.

"That wasn't a real Jutsu, was it?" Kisame asked.

Itachi grinned, "No but you gotta admit, it was damn funny."

Kisame growled and smacked Itachi upside his head with his giant sword.

"I hate you."

Itachi was looking slightly dazed at the unexpected attack.

"We wanna try!" Naruto shouted, jumping off the bed, followed by Gaara who just pointed at Kisame's sword when he raised an eyebrow at them.

Kisame handed them two plastic swords off the shelf and lay back with a sigh as Itachi got pummeled by the two little boys.

It probably didn't hurt but in his mind, he filled in all the pain.

Then he remembered that he was supposed to be getting castrated…

-

**The End…or is it…?**

-

**A/N: Yo.**

**As I pointed out at the start. Sorry it took ages…**

**Been watching 'how I met your mother' and it's freaking AWESOME!**

**- I've been having some serious Writer's block on the demons and Jinchuuriki trapped by Tobi.**

**Also, Jeff and Harvey aren't helping me much… Let's all just assume their wildest dreams have come true and their vessels are evil…or that they're suffering with Kisame.**

**I also apologise for any plot-holes (although I was pretty sure there isn't even a plot to speak of…)**

**Question: WHO LOVES YAOI!? (I do…but if you do too, Lemme know. I wanna read some really good yaoi fics…I write some but I can't exactly read em myself now can I? Suggest some fics you think are awesome and I'll read em…and if you wrote them, I will definitely review.)**

**-**

**Review Reply: **

**Puffdadder: **Hey, thanks…Two was your fave? Hoorah! Well…Jeff just so happens to be cute and infinitely cuddly…

**Sitar Permit: **Alice in Wonderland! I love that cartoon! I wonder if the rabbit would be in a hurry if he knew I like rabbit stew… ah yes…crack…* looks at crack on wall…nods to self * wouldn't advise em…I'm addicted?! NOOOOOO! I swear I just need three shots a day! * running from cops * this is all your fault!

**Phire and magyk: **people thought you were on crack *cough cough * maybe you are * cough * Feel free to use Jeff to your heart's content, I know I do… I love vague ideas! Being vague is one of my favourite hobbies…

**Melissaaax3: **I 3 Jeff too, hehe. Madara mini-me? LOL! That could work…

**Kudomeya:** Mmm…yes indeed… *recalls hating fish fingers * darn!

**Starfire99: **Yes, I actually **am** three years old. I can take constructive criticism, hell, I can even take **destructive** criticism and if you want me off this site, feel free to physically remove me. "Jeff" may be a bad name for Kyuubi but it's _my_ fic, poetic license and all that mate…if you want to name him something different, write your own story and name him Janet if you want…THIS IS A **CRACKFIC**. I CANT GO AROUND GETTING PERFECT NAMES IN JAPANESE! I'm not American but that was the first name that came to me…if I gave him a name from **my** country, I'd have called him "Tubawakutubilawaselukapatoka" and that's kinda long so… But I get your point and for Kyuubi's name, if _necessary_, I do research for that in serious fics **because it is necessary there**…I'm sorry if you hate my fic and I appreciate the review, really, but insulting me isn't the way to go about getting your point across (yes, I felt insulted by your second review even if it wasn't a flame)… **PS: you spoiled the joy of my 100****th**** review. Thanks.**

**SaphireWhiteWolf: **I'm meditating too * watching TV with bag of potato chips * dunno why monks make it seem so hard… HEALTHINESS?! * backs away, swinging sword randomly * WHERE? WHERE? Talking to yourself in public huh? Not strange at all…I mean, **I** do it all the time…

YOU MADE ISCREAMDRIZZLE A SKARCHETT (whatever the hell that is…) I WANNA BE AN IMAGINARY ANIMAL TOO! I wanna be cool and have wings and be badass so I can kill isd if I wanna and I don't wanna be fuzzy or hairy (like my grandpa) or amphibian-y or feathery (ok, maybe feathery)… but I can do cute…(I am not a gerbil!)… OOOH OOH OOOH! I could be an ALIEN!

**AspergianStoryteller:** hehe, I would _love_ to get a Zetsu flower...

**Yarra: *** whispers * I could have em destroy your school…for a fee…

**The Elven-Spear: **High explosives in next chapter! Promise! "Stupid head" huh? Nice one…Next time someone pisses me off, I'll use that…and stick my tongue out for good measure! LOL XD

**CelticReaper: **Really? Aww! Thanks!

**Backupacc: **LOL, poor lite, sorry bout that… YOU CANT TURN INTO AIR! NARUTO JUST FARTED!

**Emodragon: **Yes, yes! I do deserve double chocolate chip cookies! Um…where are they?

**Darkness7013: **Why does it seem like it's been **ages**? That's a GREAT idea! (I appoint you to the position of muse.

Payment: Double what I'm paying you now…

Benefits: None whatsoever...

Retirement Plan: WTH? You haven't even started work yet!

LOL, church with Hidan…right… XD

**Siren Of the Sand: **Perfect evil children **are** pretty hard to come by… That idea is **genius**! LMAO! I'll use it in the next chapter! Thanks! I love em XD

**Geassuser9: **I already started at the time, I think. Sugar huh?... I do love me some sugah… Oh wait…you mean sugar sugar…um…I meant that too…hehe…NOT MY COOKIES! DARN YOU! BRING EM BACK!

**Sandydragon: **LMAO! That's awesome! Sorry for the strangeness…I forget myself sometimes…Mmm…lollipops… WEEDKILLER! Dude, you're a genius XD

**Iscreamdrizzle: **Ello ello…Y-you _are_ my #1…it's just…um…* awkward… * I'm a free spirit…and must be shared…with **other** #1s, hehe… Exercising sense is definitely a no-no, how do you think sense feels huh? I tell you it doesn't like it!

Of course I need normal friends! Seeing as how I'm so normal myself… Sake?! Don't you know the legal age is six!? I cant believe you'd do something so irresponsible! Um…when did you get a tail…? The power of bedwetting is not to be spoken of lightly…it is a deadly art…we must all practice it… Yes indeed, ALL the marus are related…that includes Akamaru…Don't worry * pats your head * your craziness never fails…

**-**

**Ja ne,**

**Silva**


End file.
